On the heels of returning to Minneapolis to be closer to my adult children after several years caring for my mom in Florida, my 27-year-old son said, “We should live together again.”
I assumed he was joking.
Max had a live-in girlfriend, a successful career, and the kind of attitude every mom loves: “You’re on a need-to-know basis,” he had told me years earlier. Cohabitating with him again was nowhere on my radar.
Laughing, I teased, “Yes, life was easier when I paid for everything.” “No, we’ll pay you rent instead of some stranger.” Max turned to his girlfriend-now-fiancée for confirmation, who concurred, “I think that’s a great idea.”
My son had a reason for wanting to live with me
The impetus for the proposed living arrangement was to save money for a down payment on a home of their own. My eldest, a true marketer at heart, sold it as a way to live in something nicer while we weren’t each paying separate, high rents. Plus, he offered that he and his significant other would be available when I needed to tend to his grandmother, and we could be one another’s dog-sitter.
So, after years of loving the simplicity of apartments, I purchased another single-family home—me on the top floor, the “kids” renting the lower-level walkout.
Five ways I’ve shifted my parenting mindset to adapt to this new lifestyle
1. Ignore the shoes and let it go
IYKYK. Besides the deafening quiet after your children move out of your house, one of the most noticeable changes is the absence of shoes by the front door. As a single parent, I wanted my kids to respect our home and become responsible adults by teaching them to put their things away—and so I didn’t trip and kill myself in the middle of the night.
As roommates, I appreciate that we are each leading hectic lives, and the goals around caring show up in more ways than just hiding footwear in the closet. Like when my “tenants” finish and bring up my laundry, include me in family walks, or ask if they can pick up food from a restaurant or grocery store. I let it go.
2. Swap the “Parenting Tone” for respectful adult-to-adult communication
I take partial DNA credit for a child not seeing what is right in front of him. With the kitchen upstairs and he and his partner staying downstairs, dishes can sometimes become “out of sight, out of mind.” Memories flash by of dirty sinks, half-eaten food, and cases of glasses living in my son’s man cave during the teenage years. But that was then, and this is now – grownups sharing and paying for the same household.
Whenever I want my son or his fiancée to clean an area or put something away, no matter how big or small, I’m met with a resounding “yes” every. single. time. I’ve exchanged the “parenting” quips for respectful adult communication — teaching me it’s OK to ask for what I need rather than just doing it myself because I’m “Mom.”
3. Let them pay
As a single parent, I’m accustomed to paying for everything. But now that Max and I live together again as full-fledged adults, we share expenses. And he is opening his pocketbook more than me in some ways. For example, I came home one day not long after we moved in to find him mowing the lawn (we never even owned a lawnmower).
With the first snowfall, my son was clearing the driveway with a snowplow he purchased that morning. Or when one of the smoke alarms beeped and died in the middle of the night, within mere hours, three new ones magically appeared on our doorstep. My instinct is to hand over money, but the truth is, he’s happy to contribute and appreciates the financial liability I took on to help him save money.
4. Minimize questions
I’ve learned to keep inquiries to a minimum to respect adult freedoms. If I were a true helicopter mom, I don’t believe my son would have suggested living with me again, but I am still a mother, curious and conversational. I worry when he and my future daughter-in-law are out late, or a car pulls out of the driveway in the middle of the night. As hard as it is, I resist being nosy since, frankly, whatever is happening is none of my business.
During our first couple of months living together, I’d ask where they were headed or what was up for the day. Benign questions in the scheme of things, yet maybe not what mid-20-year-olds want to recount to parents on a minute-by-minute basis.
So, my housemates and I come and go, each sharing what we want, when we want. I’m pleased to relay that, even without requesting, my daughter-in-law-to-be created a family group chat on move-in day that has become a treasure trove of tidbits I never would have known if we weren’t at the same address.
5. Lead separate lives
There are many ways to live in a multigenerational household—each family needs to determine what works for them. Max and I had some early practice when he moved back to our family home at the end of his senior year of college thanks to a worldwide pandemic. It was during that time that we began our transition from parent-child to friends, both of us working from home and meeting in the kitchen for our morning brew. As we did then, we have established our individual living quarters, respect one another’s privacy, and are flexible with shared indoor and outdoor spaces.
Getting to watch how my eldest turned into a responsible, well-adjusted man makes my heart swell. Add the bonus of having a front-row seat to young love while benefiting from the kindness they each offer—I gladly ignore the things that don’t really matter in the end.
Queue shoes.
More Great Reading:
How to Adjust When You Have an Adult Child Living at Home
Bio: Writing from Minneapolis, MN, Sheryl Stillman is a freelance writer, executive/life coach, and communications strategy and change leadership consultant. She covers topics related to parenting, travel, aging, healthcare, and business. Sheryl is currently writing a self-help memoir on caring for those with Alzheimer’s disease. You can find her at www.sherylonline.com.
