I remember the afternoon I taught my daughter to ride her bicycle without training wheels, running alongside her with my fingers curled around the back of the seat to ensure she didn’t fall. I can still see it in my mind’s eye.
What I remember most vividly, though — what I can still feel — is the moment I first let go of that seat. My stomach dropped like a roller coaster just beginning to plummet. I felt fear and excitement simultaneously — fear that my baby would get hurt but the excitement that she was conquering something new.
Throughout my years of work in higher education, I’ve had thousands of interactions with students and parents. I imagine that, as a parent, driving away as you leave your student at college for the first time is a little bit like letting go of the bicycle seat. Scary, exciting, and stomach-dropping. Despite that, we have to let go.
Here’s the thing, though. I’ve noticed a disturbing trend in recent years. Parents aren’t really letting go. And not only are more parents overly involved in their college students’ lives and decisions, but more students appear to be okay with this. The students have learned to be helpless! This is disturbing because a parent’s job is to raise confident, independent humans. It’s hard to do that when we don’t let them think and decide for themselves.
Here are six ways to let go of that bicycle seat and allow your college student to be independent.
What parents of college students should NEVER Do
1. Don’t choose their major
We deserve an opportunity to choose our path, including our children. Even if you’re paying your student’s tuition, residence, and meal plan, you can’t determine something this important for them. Help them explore options based on their interests, and then let them decide. Also, understand that it is very typical for them to change their mind after they take a few classes.
Not every 18-year-old will choose their life path with certainty at the beginning of college. I would venture to say that the majority do not. (I know it took me longer than I care to admit!). Help your student explore major and career options in high school, let them shadow someone or even work in the field and then leave the final choice up to them.
2. Don’t guilt them into attending a particular school, joining your Greek organization, etc.
For many parents, seeing their students going to college evokes many great memories of their college days. We remember the places we loved on campus, the groups we joined, and the professors who made a difference.
My husband (also a higher education professional) and I recently had the chance to spend a few hours exploring our alma mater with our twelve-year-old daughter, and it was fantastic. Showing her where we met and made so many great memories was beyond priceless, and a part of me was excited when she started showing an interest in attending there someday. I have to remember to keep those emotions in check when, one day, she likely wants to attend somewhere else!
Imparting some wisdom and guidance to our students is exemplary. However, it is not OK to pressure them into becoming involved in the things that gave us the greatest joy or even our sense of identity. And pressure from a parent, even if well-meaning, can feel a lot like being required to do something.
Our students need the space to explore their interests and build meaningful connections without the pressure to help us somehow relive our glory days vicariously through them.
3. Don’t push them away from opportunities because they scare you.
As a parent, there are some things our students may want to do that make us worry. Think study abroad, a spring break trip to volunteer in an unfamiliar city, or an internship opportunity across the country. I’ll have to admit I tend to worry about everything. Ev.er.y.thing.
I’m that parent who goes right to the worst-case scenario in my mind when a new situation presents itself. I try hard to control that and not let it make my daughter hesitant or fearful. The older she gets, the harder that is.
However, we must resist the urge to discourage our kids, even though that urge comes from the protective instinct that took root in us even before they were born. Encourage them, help them navigate the process, give them advice…and then be confident that they are ready for an adventure that will help them grow in ways you can’t yet imagine.
It may not always feel like you have a significant influence in their lives, but nothing will make them feel more confident to experience new things than your confidence in their ability to do so. And guess what? The opposite is true. If we wring our hands and fret, figuratively or literally, we are telling them we don’t believe in them.
4. Don’t ridicule them when they have new ideas and passions
Sometimes new ideas and passions scare us as parents because they don’t fit into our vision of what’s practical. Or, even more, challenging sometimes, they don’t fit into the vision we have of who our students are as people. If done right, college exposes students to many new activities, interests, and perspectives…and these things may change them somehow.
Even if a new interest seems wacky, try to refrain from the jokes. These interests are just as likely to be a passing phase anyway. And if not, congratulations…you’ve raised an independent person who can think for themselves!
5. Don’t speak for them, including using their email to pose as them
Allow me to be blunt for a moment. When a parent calls a university to try and do something on behalf of their student, we know the excuse for why the parent calls instead of the student are just that…an excuse. Your student is not actually too busy to call and ask a question.
More likely, you don’t trust them to get the task done in the timeframe you want. Or an even more benevolent reason…it feels really good to help our kids and to feel needed. As the parent of an almost-teen who wants to be highly independent…I get it!
When she asks me for help with something meaningful these days, it’s like the sun coming out! The danger is that your college student may be okay with you doing things for them because of that learned helplessness I mentioned earlier.
If they’ve been admitted into college (and probably even if they haven’t!), your student can make a phone call and ask a question to get the information they need. If they aren’t, it’s not too late to fix it. You can do that by making them do it for themselves rather than you doing it for them. If they drop the ball, let them deal with the consequences. These are great learning opportunities.
6. Don’t be afraid to let them struggle and {yes!} fail
When we do everything we think we can do to ensure our kids don’t encounter adversity and failure, we unwittingly send them a message that they cannot handle said adversity and failure. And if they think they can’t handle these things, they will be afraid and anxious. They will avoid adversity for fear that they will let you down, and they will avoid adversity for fear that it is impossible to recover. Does this sound like something any of us want for our kids? I don’t think so.
Instead, we need to teach them that they should stretch themselves, challenge themselves, and always give their best efforts…and that they will fail sometimes. And that failure is okay in those circumstances because it makes us better. It makes us stronger and wiser. It helps us learn who we are and what we want out of life. Don’t rob your student of these opportunities in college because you don’t want to see them hurt.
Don’t even rob them of these opportunities because you are afraid they’ll waste a few of the tuition you paid. Your investment in their college education is more than money. It’s an investment in them as people, and the hard truth is…money can’t be the puppet string that prevents them from making their way and becoming confident, independent adults.
When I taught my daughter to ride a bike, I equipped her with a helmet, let her practice, and knew she would be okay even if (when) she fell. She would never have learned if I had never let go of that seat. Some tumbles and a skinned knee taught her to keep her balance, and they taught her that she could do it! Letting go of control when your student is in college is much the same. You prepare them as best you can, equip them to stay safe, and then let go knowing they will be okay no matter what. They’ll fall, get up, and be more robust and smarter for it.
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19 Things Every 19 Year Old Should Be Able to Do
6 Things You Should Never Do as a Parent of a College Student
