I recently saw a post on Instagram that said, “I was so wrapped in the responsibilities of motherhood, that I almost forgot this was my first time experiencing motherhood in my 40s too.”
It was basically reminding us that our life and experiences in motherhood are firsts for us and just as important as all of our children’s childhood experiences and firsts too. It made me feel so seen. It was a reminder that we shouldn’t expect to have everything always figured out, our emotions matter too, we can’t forget to continue fueling our own passions and joy.
We often live for our children but we forget that it’s our life’s big moments and milestones too. I felt this so deeply when moving my firstborn to college. If you are a mom of a senior in high school, you might be counting down the months that you pack up your baby and move them into their first home away from home. This time of bittersweet surrender was filled with emotion, excitement, and grief that no one, not even an article in Grown and Flown can prepare you for.
A mother’s love doesn’t loosen when her child leaves home. It stretches, expands, and grows into a new shape. One that loves from a distance with the same depth as before.
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My hope for you is not to be able to fully describe or soften the emotions you will feel, but maybe, if you get in a rut and aren’t sure what to do with emotions that may or may not bubble up, you can return to this article and pick what resonates for you in those moments.
13 things to help you through one of the biggest transitions and milestones of motherhood
1. Carve out quality time to spend with your teen throughout their last year/years at home.
I know, we all have responsibilities, and the last few years in high school can be the busiest. Be mindful of the timing and maybe even consider where you can free up your schedule a bit from work or travel. You will be so glad if you planned a special family vacation, and extra days with the intention to just enjoy each other’s company. This even looked like bingeing my daughter’s favorite Disney movies together on the couch for a weekend, or being intentional about going on a special shopping trip just to focus on the things she needs to prepare for her move.
We had intended on having a special cooking day to practice her favorite easy recipes but it didn’t ever happen which is okay, but I felt good about the time we had invested together before she left and you aren’t left with the “I wish I would have” feeling.
2. Plan when you will see them again before you drop them off.
It helped me to have specific times planned for the fall for when I could look forward to seeing her in person again. This included Parent’s Weekend, (which most colleges have around October) her performances, special concerts or sporting events that were in her college town that gave us an opportunity to meet up with her.
I have to admit, moving her in August and waiting until October was too long for me so I made an excuse to visit a friend that lived close by in September, and dropped in to visit her for a few hours. I treated her to lunch and did a quick Trader Joe’s Run and headed home. All I needed was a quick peek at her and her situation and a hug and it helped. She looked so vibrant, and happy that I realized that moving had actually improved her energy so much.
3. Refresh their childhood space at home.
After drop off, I spent the fall cleaning out her room, putting in new floors, painting her closet and got her a new bed. I gave away her childhood trundle bed to her little cousin and got her a queen bed with new “young adult” bedding. I decluttered everything, and packed away keepsakes. I refreshed it for when she came home. I asked her permission first and she was actually delighted about the idea.
It ended up providing a place for her to look forward to coming home to and an extra comfortable place to decompress away from the crammed dorm room she had to share with another roommate. She loved the changes. The first time she came home, I put fresh flowers by her bed signaling that she is welcome. She was very appreciative of the extra effort.
4. Decide how often you will call each other.
For us, I hadn’t done this and I found myself waiting by my phone for her to call. I wasn’t sure when I should call, or how often, and I had wanted to hear about what was happening but didn’t want to be overbearing.
I felt a little awkward so I decided to make a plan moving forward. We started by agreeing to connect at least once a week. Then once she got in the groove and she figured out when her roommate would be gone, she started to call more regularly. But it helps to have a designated plan as to when, so you can make sure you are free for the call and it’s a good time for them to share openly too.
Neither of you are waiting around for it to happen. My daughter is in her second year and she FaceTimes me multiple times a week. More often than her freshman year. I am not sure why other than she has matured a little more and has more time.
5. Decide together if it feels supportive to share locations.
I have had my children’s locations as long as it has been a thing. We use Life360 and my daughter was fine with me keeping it because we both agreed it would help keep her safe and keep me sane.
I am not going to lie, I checked it A LOT and it was so helpful and reassuring for me especially when she went out in the evenings. But she also checks our location to see where we’re at before she calls. It has only been an issue if I start asking too many questions that are really none of my business (honest confession). She has healthy boundaries with me and reminds me she’s willing to share locations but she’s also still an adult and deserves some privacy.
6. Find a way to fill your time with something you love—other than your child.
The more you are engaged and busy with your own life, the less time and energy you will have to meddle and be hypervigilant about theirs. They have to build some independence and that can’t happen with you breathing down their neck trying to solve all of their problems for them. This can be hard if all of your spare time had been spent on them and their extracurricular activities before they had left.
Luckily for me, I still have a child in the home who is busy and soaks up my attention. But I also became a certified life coach and breathwork guide and use my extra time to build my business, rekindle date nights with my husband, and take up other hobbies like writing, and painting. I also have more time to spend with my mom and friends which I hadn’t really had before.
7. On the way to college drop off, share your feelings but don’t make it all about you.
I know I started this article out embracing the idea that this is our first time too; however, my daughter had shared bravely with me when she noticed my husband and I were getting emotional, that when we were expressing sadness, it made her feel guilty for leaving us and responsible for our feelings. She was conflicted because she was so excited to move and go to her new college too.
I realized that by making it about me, I was stealing her joy a little. I decided to schedule in time to process and I wish I would have done a pre-breathwork. I certainly did a post-breathwork and journaling to process my emotions and stay grounded throughout our experience together.
8. Be prepared for the final goodbye.
After you move them in, and every new dorm accessory is in place, you might want to run them to the store to get any last minute thing, then take them to eat one last meal, and you might continue to search for one more thing but eventually it will be time to leave. As divine timing always does, when this time was approaching, her favorite childhood ColdPlay Song “In My Place” randomly came on the radio.
It used to be the only song that would put her to sleep when she woke in the middle of the night as a baby. It ripped at my heart and felt appropriate all at the same time.
“Turn this off!!” she announced. “No sad songs right now PLEEEEASE!!”
“It wasn’t me!!” I said, with a tear rolling down my face. “It just came on by itself.” I skipped the song and took a deep breath.
“Please don’t make this harder than it needs to be.” she said. “I want this to be a happy experience not a sad one.”
“Okay” my husband and I reassured her just as we did all those nights she couldn’t stay asleep without us. She jumped out of the car, gave us hugs and kisses, checked her texts because she had already made plans to meet up with some other girls from her high school, and said goodbye. In the same fashion she lived through her childhood, she went off, confidently, and independently to the next chapter.
Even though I knew with all my heart she was going to thrive, it was still REALLY hard to say goodbye. She was our light, pride and joy. My husband and I got back into the car and started bawling our eyes out. We held hands, silently confirming that this was one of the hardest parenting moments we had experienced to date.
My husband turned to me and said, “thank you for sharing her with me” and we drove home. Quiet and changed forever.
9. When you start questioning if you’ve made the right decision to let them go, (and yes this may cross your mind,) return to this—What else would they be doing if they weren’t moving away to college?
I make sure I remind myself of all the hard work she put in, how capable she is, and how she has never really given me any indication to wonder if she could survive on her own. I know she is unique but your child moving at 17/18/19 years old to pursue their future is special too and they deserve your belief and confidence in them. That is shown through your actions and how you support their transition.
10. Your confidence in them will empower them to survive their first few months successfully alone.
But remember they are not actually alone. They will have roommates or dormmates. Resist trying to solve every little problem they face once they are there. Encourage them to make friends. It’s healthy for them to bond with their new friends over solving common problems.
There are facebook groups where parents will come in and try to solve all of their children’s problems for them. Resist the urge to do this!!
11. Unless your hometown is within 30 minutes of campus, invest in the campus healthcare.
My daughter thanked us for this when she had a random rash, and had to visit the campus urgent care. She has gotten ill at least once a semester and has needed a prescription and has been very grateful to be able to independently make appointments and get what she needs quickly and without having to wait for me.
Before she left, I had started encouraging her to begin making her own doctor’s appointments in her senior year so this was not something that was new for her while also navigating her new school and home. She has told me multiple times that she didn’t understand it at the time but now she is grateful for all of this preparation beforehand.
12. Balance your energy together.
My daughter and I did a few fun things together in the last semester before she left, including a sound bath in a salt cave, a couples massage during our last family vacation, and we even had the opportunity to see a Broadway show together. I have had breathwork clients schedule breathwork sessions together with their child before they moved to help relieve anxiety, shed emotion, and ground themselves together before the big move.
Don’t force it, but do what feels right. It’s okay to be vulnerable together, it’s a big deal! And it will help keep you grounded for numbers 7 and 8.
13. Decide before hand how much money they will be getting from you and what each of your expectations are around spending.
This is a BIG transition when it comes to resources they are used to at home to limited resources where they are at. It’s an even bigger transition if they are going from a rural town to a city, or used to having a car to not having a car. This all will impact them in different ways and the clearer you are with budgeting and communication around it, the less your relationship will be strained.
My husband and I give our daughter a monthly allowance and for the most part she is able to stay within it. Learning how to budget and stay within it is a good skill to have. There are sometimes social events and activities that she will ask for extra money for and we typically try to support her but she has to ask.
There will be kids with a lot more in their budget and kids with a lot less. They all figure it out somehow. Discuss things like uber, doordash, social events etc to decide where the money is coming from because they WILL try to use it.
Final Thoughts
This season of motherhood is emotional, humbling, and transformative. It cracks you open in ways that only love can. You’re learning how to let go without disconnecting, how to support without suffocating, and how to redefine who you are outside of the role you’ve held for nearly two decades.
None of us get it perfect. None of us know what we’re doing the first time around. But that’s the beauty of it! Because we’re growing right alongside them.
Your grief is valid. Your pride is valid. Your joy is valid. Your longing is valid. And your child stepping into their next chapter is also your invitation to step into yours.
More Great Reading:
6 Reasons Why Moms Cry When They Leave Their Kids at College
