When you have a child, intellectually you know that you can’t predict the path they’ll choose or what it will take for them to get wherever they’re going. But if your teen takes a common path it’s easy to feel like they are making progress toward the goal of making their way in the world.
My daughter took the road less traveled. When that happens, there is no play book and no other moms to talk to as you wade through the uncertainty of this alternate path. It’s harder to know how things will play out; and harder to feel assured that your kid will eventually “get there.”
Sophomore year of high school my daughter stepped off the beaten path
During her sophomore year of high school my daughter stepped out of the mainstream. She reduced her workload and became an independent study student so that she could go to cosmetology school and apprentice at a local salon. At the end of her junior year she took a state proficiency exam and graduated a year early.
The following year she apprenticed, studied for her final cosmo exam and ran an ad hoc salon for friends (and friends of friends) out of our house.
She faced road blocks and dead ends and disappointments-yet she kept going, kept pushing through. So when she passed her cosmetology exam with flying colors it was miraculous and healing.
After extremely tumultuous teen years she had allowed me to come alongside her and help her find her way to what she wanted. This was her beginning — full of possibility.
My daughter has flown and soared since then
It has been three years since my daughter got her cosmetology license. In that time she has built a business, a clientele, and a reputation as a skilled hairstylist specializing in creative color. And it lights her up.
I can’t imagine her doing anything else. I feel relief knowing that she is right where she belongs – loving and appreciating people, and creatively bringing out their beauty and individuality.
I made so many mistakes along the way
I learned a lot parenting this child. About her, about me, about life. I wish desperately that I would have understood earlier that she was hardwired to be wildly independent. I wish that I would have pulled her closer and listened more, been less fearful of her desire to find a life on her own terms. I wish I would have tried less to influence her toward the norm and spent more time standing in awe of the strong young woman she was and is.
Not only was her path different, her appearance was different too. She dressed edgy and alternative, tried on lots of different hairstyles and colors, and after graduation, got piercings and tattoos. I hadn’t encountered many people with non-traditional appearances at that point, and was concerned that she’d have regrets about not conforming; that she’d be relegated to the fringes – with fewer peers and fewer employment opportunities.
That could not be less true. She has a large and loyal group of friends and her tattoos are accepted and celebrated at her workplace. Her appearance is how she chooses to express herself and her creativity, but I made it so much more – and it divided us.
I grew to accept my daughter, her friends and their choices
Over her years in high school and beyond, my daughter made our house a haven for a whole mix of kids from main stream to alternative. She was a magnet for others who came with a full heart and an appetite for fun. She organized her friends to go to music festivals and events. They donned elaborate and outrageous costumes and enjoyed themselves to the fullest.
And even though I came way too late to the party of acceptance, I grew into it. I was able to truly befriend and love on all the incredible people she brought into our lives that I might never have known if not for her.
At first I thought I couldn’t relate
I had grown up as a people pleaser, desperate to fit in with the crowd. I thought I’d have nothing to relate to in these new bold young adults. But the truth (which seems obvious now) is that we’re all just people. Whether we go on to college and a traditional career or carve out and create a unique work life for ourself. Whether we have a nose piercing and a shaved head dyed blue or not.
What I loved and noticed most about many of these kids was how vulnerable and unguarded they were. They told me about their families, their fears, the things that were most important to them. They spoke about what their appearance meant to them and their self expression. They opened their hearts readily – and they opened mine.
I learned a lot about inner confidence and individuality from them, and I like to think that in my best moments, I was able to be a safe haven for these creative, inspiring young adults. And I continue to grow.
I yearned for my daughter to “fit in” and it disconnected us
The years I spent desperate for my daughter to look and behave like someone other than herself took a toll on the closeness of our relationship. Not long ago I still had moments when I wondered how she’d feel about the permanence of her tattoos as she gets older. Recently she said to me, “I want to live my life covered in art that means something to me.”
So many people of her generation feel the same. And the expectations of society are changing because of it. Sports figures, musical artists, people in all walks of life and all ages are embracing the idea of their bodies as canvases for art and expression.
It took me a long time, but I am finally able to see her tattoos for what they are – skin deep. And I have come to appreciate them as the art that they are. They’re a choice my daughter has made as an independent young woman creating a bold, creative, joyful life for herself.
And my job is just to revel in and support her.
Don’t Judge a Kid by their Cover
I have the spirited kid
the independent kid
the one people stared at
because her hair changed colors and styles like the wind
She has tattoos
and piercings that have piercings
she’s the artistic one
the one who refuses to conform
the one who is all sorts of extra
Mine is the kid who went to the alternative high school
and finished quietly with a test
the one who would rather eat razor blades
than endure four more years of academia
My girl is drawn to color, form, humanity and beauty
more than facts and figures and tests
She is willing to work her ass off to learn her craft
and do what she wants
when she wants
how she wants
She’s the kid who tested my patience
and my sanity
the one who kept me on my toes
and up at night
This girl is a force of nature
a firecracker
feisty and oppositional
stubborn and strong willed
She is unafraid
and unwilling to take shit
from anyone
ever
But she is also soft and feely
nurturing and warm
insightful and empathetic
kind-hearted and encouraging
My daughter would lay down her life for her people and animals
anytime
anywhere
without thinking twice
She loves and accepts the rebels and the nonconformists
those off the beaten path who are singing their own song
Mine is a child who will dare to do something new in the world
who will listen to herself
be bold
and love others fiercely
She will live her one and only life the way she and only she would live it.
And I couldn’t be more proud or love her more
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