“I’m Going to College – Not You!”

When my eldest son was getting ready to go to college I felt a little bit as though I was losing my mind. The thought of him walking out the door and calling a new place home was so painful that, although I was excited for him, I felt engulfed in pain and fear.

It turns out, I was not alone. Reading through the searingly funny and poignant pages of Jennifer Delahunty’s edited essay collection, I’m Going to College—Not You!: Surviving the College Search with Your Child, it soon becomes clear that truly wonderful writers, who are college parents themselves, felt the entire gamut of emotions as well.

Jennifer Delahunty and "I'm Going to College - Not You!"

Madalyn Britz (left), Jennifer Delahunty (middle), Emma Britz (right)

Delahunty, admits that in the process of nagging her younger daughter about her common application essay (sound familiar?) her daughter turned to her and said, “All you talk about is college and preventing pregnancy.” Delahunty replied, “You’re seventeen years old and a senior in high school. What else is there to to talk about.” She willingly admits that her parental filter had malfunctioned.

Amongst the wonderful stories of families is a wealth of phenomenally useful college admissions advice. Many of the authors of these pieces are both parents and college admissions officers and they offer insights that only those who have held both positions would have. For parents of high school students not yet immersed in college admissions, there is much to be learned from these very wise writers.

I'm going to College - Not You!

Some of the most interesting essays were written by fathers. On the subject of kids leaving for college, moms loom large; it is like traveling in a familiar yet slightly different terrain to hear from dads.

Nestled in this incredible volume of insightful essays from parents is a gem by Anna Quindlen. Over time I have found Quindlen’s reflections on parenting teens and young adults to be some of the most moving and insightful, putting words to feelings that felt beyond words, and in this wonderful book she does not disappoint.

[More of our favorite empty nest essays, including a favorite by Anna Quindlen here.]

We had a chance to talk to the editor and Associate Dean of Admissions at Kenyon College, Jennifer Delahunty, about I’m Going to College – Not You! 

G&F: Your book is replete with humor but there is a deep and abiding undercurrent of anxiety or maybe just confusion. What is your best advice for parents on how to keep that anxiety at bay?

JD: This is not a life and death decision. Those of us who went to college and had a good experience know that we could have had a great college experience at another school. More important than where your child goes is what he or she does once they get there. And so take the emphasis off of “getting in” and keep it on the educational process of looking at and choosing a place to continue their education. Those students who end up knowing themselves better as people, and students, have been successful at the college search, regardless of where they “got in.” And, please, don’t forget to enjoy the journey. Your students will take their cues from you. If you’re having fun touring colleges, looking at websites, talking to alumni about their experiences, and so forth, so will they.

G&F: As a parent who, I admit, nearly lost her mind during the admissions process, I wish I had done many things differently. Is there anything you would take back now that you can look back on your daughter’s college searches in the rear view mirror?

JD: I would have worried a lot less. It worked out for Emma and for her younger sister Madalyn; they chose schools I never would have anticipated and they were wildly happy with their experiences. But perhaps the parental worry is all part of the process for it working out. I also would have nagged them less about the process. Somehow, I felt that it was my parental duty to keep beating the “deadline drum.” That was ridiculous; I raised them both to be responsible, and I should have known they would eventually get their essays and applications done.

And just in case you were wondering, we did give our daughters one big parameter by which to guide their college choice: we would support them going anywhere as long as it was a small liberal arts college. Their father and I both went to such schools; we know the magic that happens when your are known by your faculty members. They didn’t resist this parameter and did choose small liberal arts colleges. “Whew,” was the sound coming from my lips as I made the enrollment deposits at both colleges!

G&F: One of the funniest pieces in the book was the essay by you and your daughter. How was it writing together? She showed an extraordinary amount of both self-awareness and humor in this piece. What did you learn about each other by writing together?

JD: I wrote the piece about Emma’s college search while we were going through it and published it in a professional journal. A few years later, I began working on a book of similar essays, and so I asked her to read it again before it went to press. “Well, Mother,” she said over the phone. “Your essay is very well written and the ending is excellent, but I sound like an idiot. You can’t publish it.” I went cold; it was the only essay I had about the subject and I would either have to go back to the drawing board or disregard her wishes. But it was she who came up with a solution. “Why don’t I write what I was really thinking when I said the things you quote in the essay?” This was a brilliant solution and through it, I came to understand at a deeper level that students say one thing but mean another when they are in the swirl of college choice. This is also when I began to see Emma as an adult who could write her socks off. Her responses are not only funny– they are so true! And so I wrote my part of the essay first, and then she wrote her reactions to what I reported.

[More on topics you need to discuss with your off-to-college student here.]

G&F: Now that there is a bit of time between you and some of the white-hot emotional events you discuss in the book, is there advice you would offer parents still on the hot seat?

JD: More than anything, I would urge parents to be honest about their college parameters with their student as early as they can. Parents need to probe their souls as to what they can afford to pay, what types of institutions they will and won’t support, how far from home they’re comfortable with, and so forth. This means parents need to go on their own journey through the college search. If you are able, emotionally and financially, to give your son or daughter carte blanche — great. But that is rarely the story with most families, and it’s heartbreaking to arrive at April of the senior year, acceptances in hand, and discover your parents won’t support your “dream school.” When I encounter a student who understands their parents’ parameters, they seem more settled. They know the boundaries of their search. Additionally, I would urge parents to be honest with themselves about what types of schools their student will be admitted to. Often I see students trying to fulfill the unrealistic wishes of their parents — and that results in nothing but heartache.

G&F: Every year we hear that this was the toughest year for getting into college and things will surely get better and yet they never seem to. How do you think admissions look going forward?

JD: The most enlightened institutions are seeing the strain our culture and our institutions are putting on students and they are, slowly but surely, changing our practices. There is more convincing research every day that students are suffering unnecessarily with the stress of finding the “right” school and getting into it. One researcher said the stress of the college search is equivalent to that of a divorce. That’s both ridiculous and dumbfounding. “Turning the Tide,” the initiative to come out of Harvard’s School of Education, is a hopeful beacon. This report urges colleges to make the evaluation of candidates more humane and put all those darn numbers — scores, grades, number of Advanced Placement courses — in appropriate focus. Instead of institutional self-interest, we must put students’ well being and their character back at the center of the admissions process.

I have two suggestions as to how we might shift everything rapidly: Colleges would stop publishing their admission rates and students would be given a reasonable limit of applications they could submit. This would stop the arms race fast.


Dear Parent of Newly Admitted College Freshman

11 Reasons Why College Admissions is Harder than You Expected

A collection of our favorite off-to-college essays can be found here. 

Jennifer Delahunty and "I'm Going to College - Not You!"Jennifer Delahunty has worked in Kenyon College Admissions since 2003. After serving as dean of admissions for 12 years, she recently became the Associate Dean of West Coast Admissions. A native of Minnesota, she attended Carleton College and the University of Arizona, where she earned both her baccalaureate and masters of fine arts degrees. In addition to her administrative positions, she has taught writing and American Studies at Kenyon, the University of Arizona, and Central Oregon Community College — three very different types of higher education institutions. Delahunty has also been published in the The New York Times, as well as other periodicals, and is quoted frequently in the national press on admissions-related issues.

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About Grown and Flown

Mary Dell Harrington and Lisa (Endlich) Heffernan are the co-founders of Grown and Flown the #1 site for parents of teens, college students and young adults, reaching millions of parents every month. They are writers (Lisa is a New York Times bestselling author), moms, wives and friends. They started the Grown and Flown Parents Facebook Group and are co-authors of Grown and Flown: How to Support Your Teen, Stay Close as a Family, and Raise Independent Adults (Flatiron Books) now in paperback.

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