We are currently in the learner’s permit stage of our third and final child. If you are a spiritual person, feel free to send whatever mojo you can our way because, honestly, we are in the weeds here. Much like toddlers, teen drivers are challenging, illogical and require a tremendous amount of patience.
We have chipped away a little at our longevity and good cheer through two licensed teens but, as parents, our participation is unavoidable. So we press on, optimistic and slightly worse for the wear. Although it has been harrowing at times, there are some universal truths and tips that have emerged through all three experiences.
Advice for Parents Teaching Teens to Drive
1. No child approaches driving the same way. I have three sons all relatively close in age and each has required a different method of driving instruction. My oldest was a natural and had a serious case of overconfidence that needed taming. My second was hesitant and took his sweet time, only getting licensed months after he was eligible. My youngest is a hybrid of the two but a varsity sport is cutting into his driving time so it is taking F-O-R-E-V-E-R to get his hours in. All were challenging in their own rite.
2. Buy the New Driver Magnet in triplicate. Having that magnet on your car is like a giant billboard asking for grace and prayers as you roll along the road. Other parents nod in solidarity and the general public is warned to keep their distance. I recommend multiple magnets because at one time or another someone (I am looking at you) is going to rip that embarrassing thing off the back of the car and not remember where it was hastily flung.
3. You are not prepared even if you think you are. Each child brings a different terror to the process and there is simply no way to anticipate this new heart-stopping element until you are wide-eyed and in the moment. I thought I had it all figured out after my oldest and then number two came along and I found myself white-knuckled and not so cocky after all.
4. There is no common sense for a new driver. Remember, they are used to staring into space with headphones or hanging out in the backseat glued to their phone not watching us maneuver an automobile. This new, interactive portion of being in a vehicle is completely new.
5. Conversely, you are not used to participating in the driving experience while in the passenger seat. Everything is backwards and surreal the first time you are sitting across the center console from your 16 year-old. I found great success starting off only in parking lots until we were both more comfortable with our new role in the vehicle.
6. Your car goes where your eyes go. This was–hands down– the hardest concept for my kids to grasp. Turning to look at the tractor trailer in the next lane will only ensure that you veer right toward its side panel. Peripheral vision is not inherent and was the source of our scariest moments and resulting PTSD.
7. Do not skirt the required driving hours. All-weather driving is imperative if you have a climate that accommodates it. I still have flashbacks to a legal U-turn in the rain where I may or may not have shrieked, “We are all going to die” as we spun out on a six lane road. Thankfully, that vision still haunts my sons as well and hopefully they will never take a turn that quickly in the rain again.
8. Familiarize yourself with the driving test course. YouTube gets a bad rap but the one time I sang its praises was when we found Driver’s Ed videos. We learned the course and drove it multiple times leading up to our in-car sessions and again before the test. My most apprehensive driver and I sat and watched the parking portion of the test at the testing facility as well. Your in-car sessions may cover this but we found doing it more than once was beneficial, making it more rote on the day of the test.
9. Buy the cones. Seriously just buy the cones and measure out the distances allowed for parking like some big, old geek. This is one area where you should not guesstimate. Inches make a difference in passing or failing parking on the test. Do anything you can to avoid a return trip to the DMV to repeat a test.
10. Read, read and read some more. There are forms to be submitted from the high school, parents and the Driver’s Ed institution as well as insurance cards and other necessary items. Forgetting even one thing will mean your child never even makes it to the testing portion of the appointment. Teen turned away from licensure due to parental error = longest drive home in the history of mankind.
11. Your child will become hyper-critical of your driving the minute they get the manual in their hot little hands. Decades of driving experience will evaporate as your every bad driving habit is dissected and discussed complete with page and paragraph notation to prove your lack of road-worthiness.
12. One parent will be better at this driving tutorial than the other. Whether it is because of overall temperament, time constraints or the way one interacts with the kids—there will be one parent who clearly draws the short straw. This is a rare instance of winning and losing simultaneously.
13. Figure out a strategy for the radio or music immediately. Driving without tunes is like losing a limb to my children. Being forced to sit with their own thoughts is apparently torture that old people–namely me–are incapable of understanding. So, we had to create some rules about music and distractions. For us, the kids are allowed to hook up their phones with the car in park and listen to a playlist which takes away the channel changing aspect.
14. If there are fancy gadgets in the car, don’t let them use them. We teach the kids to drive on a basic, stripped car with no rear camera or warning lights on the mirrors. They graduate to the fancier cars once they are in the habit of relying on their own senses to drive. If all of your cars have these upgrades, I suggest disabling them or forcing the new drivers to look behind and around them before backing up or switching lanes.
These driving aids can fail to detect something in a blind spot, a rental car may not have these options and many testers will cover a rear camera during the driving test. Good, basic driving skills will never go to waste.
15. Nothing replaces modeling good behavior. Once your teen is invested in the driving experience, they will be looking to see how you react to other drivers and handle yourself out on the road. Yes, the kids will be using the manual against you, but there is more to driving than the rules of the road. There are nuances and niceties that make you a good driver and citizen.
I guess this last truth expands beyond driving and into all aspects of parenting. What we do is much more important than what we say and will become the blueprint for our kids as they move into adulthood.
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Maureen Stiles writes at her blog, Magnificence in the Mundane, where she chronicles the beauty within the chaos of raising three boys and a dog with her husband, given that the dog is the only one that really understands her. You can also follow Maureen on Facebook and Twitter