I knew this day was coming when you would walk through the door with HER;
The girl you say is everything.
I am queasy and nauseous and have my head bent between my knees to prevent another fainting episode.
We should never have sent you away to college. That was your father’s ingenious idea.
You could have lived at home and attended the local university and then we (or at least me) could have kept an eye on you and discouraged early love.
Her name is Diane.
Big Whoop!
She’s an honor student!
Okay not bad but so are you.
That’s not a reason to pick a life mate.
This is only a phase. You’ll outgrow it like you did Tao Kwon Do and Band.
I can go with it.
She’s welcome to have dinner with our family since that’s the only way I am going to have any quality time with you.
I will pull this off with the finesse of centuries old Royalty.
She wants to know my favorite flower?
None of her business!
[Read Next: Be a Good Guy and 11 Other Dating Lessons My Sons Need to Know]
I don’t need her trying to impress me!
Why did you tell her I’m a good cook?
Is she expecting me to prepare your favorite meal?
Great.
So she doesn’t cook does she?
Did you mention to her that you’ll be going on to Grad school right after college?
There’s no time for Romance. Your studies come first. Does she know that? I should tell her.
Does she come from a decent family?
Her Mother should be thanking her lucky stars that her daughter found GOLD!
Phone rings.
Son: “Hi Mom”
Mom: “Hi Love”
Son: “Wanted to remind you that I’m bringing Diane home for dinner on Friday”
Mom: “Your Dad and I are so excited to meet her”
“I hope she likes Pot Roast”
Son: “It’s her favorite”
“Don’t tell her I told you but she ordered a beautiful floral arrangement for the house”
Mom: “Isn’t that lovely” .
Son: “Love you”
Mom: “Love you more”
Head goes back between knees.
Tissue box is located.
Heart has developed a slight erratic rhythm.
[Read Next: Son’s Girlfriend: The Big Mistake You Need to Avoid]
Diane is coming to meet the family.
I am relocating to Australia. Let her find me there.
She darn well better not expect me to kiss her hello.
We’re using paper plates not the good China.
Door Bell Rings.
Son has his hands full with cakes and a bottle of wine.
SHE has the bouquet.
I notice her cute button nose and warm smile.
She is warm and gracious in her greeting.
Big Whoop!
Anyone can read The Etiquette Guide online.
She asks how she may help me prepare for dinner.
She must have read the complete works of Miss Manners.
I give her onions to cut.
It was a passive-aggressive move and I am ashamed.
She giggles into a napkin as she wipes away tears.
She’s awfully cute.
So is a new puppy.
She is charming and easy to talk to.
I see my son eyeing me from the corner of the room.
He’s clearly seeking my validation; any indication that she makes the grade.
I try to ignore his searching glances and hand her the utensils.
I see her snuggle up to him while situating salad forks.
He nuzzles her cheek
Nauseous!
Dinner is served.
The father is in his glory retelling his 30-year old jokes to a new and captive audience.
I glance over.
My son looks happy.
Make that my son looks happier than I have seen my son look in 20 years.
I have an epiphany while scraping off dessert plates.
My son is in love with a young woman who is an awful lot like me.
You know how they say that daughters look to marry men that remind them of their fathers?
Does someone want to take credit for knowing that sons try to find women that remind them of their Mothers?
She’s really adorable.
He’s really blessed.
Related:
Mom Misses College Daughter in Hilarious and Sweet Way
Kitchen Gifts That College Kids and Young Adults Will Love
Lisa Leshaw is a mental health professional specializing in adolescence, blended families and women’s issues. She conducts parenting skills workshops and empowerment circles for women throughout New York. In her silly times she creates puppet shows with characters who say inappropriate things to get a laugh from the audience!
