When you tell people you are about to become a parent for the first time, the jokes about never sleeping again are almost immediate. And, once your friends have sufficiently warned you that you’ll be exhausted for eighteen years, the jokes switch to your sex life.
Or lack thereof, that is.
“Playdates with other people’s kids are the best birth control ever!” one friend chirped at me over coffee. I was warned that leaky mom boobs and toddlers with nightmares for three straight years would put a serious damper on sexy time.
And that advice was true, to a point.
I mean, just ask me about the time our then three year old woke up for a glass of water and announced that he wanted to play whatever game Mommy and Daddy were playing because Mommy “sounded like she was winning.” I deserve bonus points for not telling him we were playing a rousing board game called Hide the Salami.
But, overall, playing Hide the Salami with toddlers in the house was pretty easy. Toddlers are oblivious and you can straight up lie to them about why Mommy’s cheeks are red after nap time.
Teenagers, on the other hand, make doing the Horizontal Hula while they are home next to impossible.
Because teens know what those sounds from your bedroom mean. Ahem.
And so, parents of teens find themselves sneaking around the house like a couple of, well, horny teenagers when they want a little private time.
No one tells you that teens make your sex life challenging, dammit.
Just as parents of toddlers have to be creative when it comes to keeping the home fires burning, so do parents of teens. Only now, you have to step your creativity up a notch. Fortunately for you, I have a few tricks up my sleeve if you are starving for a sexy encounter of the hottest kind and have a house full of teens who won’t go to bed before midnight.
First off, technology is your friend and strongest ally when it comes to fooling around under your teens’ noses. You know that nifty “Find Your Friends” app? The one you use to track your teens and their shenanigans? Well, it turns out the app has an alarm function that will alert you when your teen is on final approach to your house. Use it, or lose it, parents. On those Netflix and Get It On nights while your kids are at the movies, set that alarm and drop your drawers. Just make sure you can hear that alarm, wink wink.
Once your teen starts driving, your sex life will be injected with a major shot in the arm, trust. Simply wave $20 and your keys in the air and announce that ice cream is on you and watch how fast your house clears out. Suddenly, all that stands between you and feathering your love nest is a list of groceries and errands your teen needs to complete immediately. Oh, and make sure they bring back sundaes for you, too. It’s only fair, right?
Sometimes circumstances prevent you from kicking the kids out of the house for the night, but you can make the best of it, I promise. Teens are inherently loud and so are their movies, particularly with the advent of the super hero movie craze of late. Earn your supermom cape by setting your teens up with a feast of their favorite snacks and treats and tell them to watch their favorite action thriller right there in the family room. Turn it up, kids! Politely bow out while telling them that you and your partner will be watching a British documentary on PBS and head up to your room. Lock that door and create your own romantic movie scene while your teens are watching Wonder Woman.
Toddlers are up at the crack of dawn and parents of toddlers are doomed to make the sexy during nap time or late at night after you have read the 46th bedtime story. But, parents of teens have the opposite situation: teens sleep until noon on the weekends, right? That’s enough time to get it on and still have time to enjoy that sexy glow over eggs and coffee at the local diner. Seriously, what are you waiting for? Set an early Saturday alarm and go for it, parents!
If all else fails, throw some pizza money on the counter and check into a hotel for some clothing optional time with your partner. The house won’t burn down and your teens probably won’t even realize you are gone, frankly.
Eventually, every teen has that horrifying moment when they realize their parents do the hokey pokey behind closed doors. And while we all remember our own traumatic realizations that our parents were sexual beings, the fact is, we survived finding out that our parents did it on the regular and so will our teens. And, let’s face it: the sneaking around makes things hot so let’s not rush to have them figure things out too quickly, am I right?
Though, any opportunity to make your teens yell, “Ewww, you guys are so. gross!!!” is totally worth it in my book.