My son, now 18, survived most of the last two winters in Toronto, Ontario with a fall jacket, worn with a hoodie underneath on cold days. I offered to take him shopping (in-store or online) for a proper winter jacket multiple times and, like so many other teens, he declined.
To his credit, he never complained about being too cold (at least to me), so I let it go.
My son needs a real winter coat
This winter, he is in Montreal, Quebec for his first year of post-secondary school. Montreal is notably colder and snowier than Toronto, so I strongly suggested he purchase a winter coat at some point. I offered to take him shopping, offered to help him look online, offered to pay him back if he bought one on his own, all to no avail.
He came home for a visit in November and told me that a friend of his lent him her old coat for the days when he really needs it – he doesn’t like it that much but says he’ll use it when absolutely necessary, and otherwise will stick to what he has already (the fall jacket, now a size too small). Sigh.
In a moment of conviction, I made a decision: I would buy him a coat
So, in a moment of conviction, I made a decision: I would buy him a coat “for Chanukah.” I consulted with my spouse and we selected a high-quality, on-sale coat that we thought would suit his style and serve the purpose for his next few winters in Montreal.
I ordered it online and it was delivered to my home. I felt pleased with my actions. For a while. I have since been feeling unsettled about it. As my son has grown, I have worked very hard to sit with the discomfort of my changing and shrinking role in his life, to manage my anxieties about his independent decisions (which, for the record, are generally excellent and in line with his interests and values), and learn how to sit on my hands and wait for him to come to me (teenagers are like cats, some say).
Doing nothing is HARD!
I tried to justify buying him that winter coat
I talked it through with a trusted advisor (ok… my therapist!). I tried to justify my decision to buy the coat, that it made me feel better knowing he would have a new coat, that it was a way for me to feel involved and to take care of him even though he is far away, that I know it is more for my benefit than for him, but it’s okay. He will likely appreciate the coat anyway. Or not. I faltered.
My advisor asked if I wanted his opinion. Nervously, I said yes.
He said, “You want a close relationship with your son, right?” “Yes”, I replied. My advisor continued: “He is sending a message by not buying a coat, despite all your offers of support, right?” “Yes, I suppose he is expressing that he doesn’t want to buy a winter coat,” I said, “and maybe that he wants me to back off, too.”
“So, then, perhaps buying him that coat is at odds with you having a close relationship with him,” said my advisor. Ouch.
Parents often project our own anxieties onto our children
We have often discussed how parents (with me as a prime example), so often project our own anxieties onto our children, and how this can make them more reticent to be open with us. Also, as a smart and intuitive human, my son generally sees right through me when I do – and has learned to call me on it. “You’ll feel better if you do x,” I might say. “No,” he’ll respond, “YOU’LL feel better if I do x.”
So, shortly after my discussion ended, I drove to the nearest brick and mortar location of the store and returned the coat. It was still in the plastic wrap. The return receipt includes the reason I gave for the return: “Changed mind.”
Yep – my mind is a work in progress.
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