Saying that I wasn’t ready for my sons to leave for college is an understatement. Saying I wasn’t ready for one of them to be hours away and the other to be states away downplays my worry and fear of the unknown.
I wasn’t ready for them to go. Not at all. Just as you are asking now, I asked, “How did it go so fast?” And “What will they do without me?”
Really, I was wondering what I would do without them.
Trying to quiet my fear, I felt compelled to pontificate about roommates, money, parties, grades… all the things. It felt like there was still so much left to pour into their heads. As if the 18 years of parenting hadn’t stuck at all. As if it were their first time hearing any of it.
My sons didn’t need more wordy lectures, they needed basic language to guide them
It was a last-ditch effort. A final brain dump. One last big convo before driving away. Oh, and I’m a career and executive coach for a living. While coaching isn’t advice-giving, two boys who didn’t ask for coaching (or advice) plus one mom who was nervous about letting them go, didn’t make the best soup.
Now that I’m almost two years out from our youngest graduating from college, I can look
back and say they didn’t need more wordy lectures, they needed only clear and basic language to guide them.
Yes.
No.
Maybe.
Since they launched, I’ve discovered something I couldn’t see back then. That beneath
the worry and second-guessing are basics that don’t change.
The kind of “Yes” that can be felt in their DNA
- The Yes to a class that feels interesting even if not impressive on paper.
- The Yes that overflows as compassion and kindness when helping a friend
though a breakup. - The Yes that is felt in their heart as they weigh two paths… one aligned with their
values and one not. - That’s the Yes of their foundation.
- The Yes to belonging, to creating, and to connecting.
- The Yes you’ve been nurturing all along.
And then there’s “No”
We talk to our kids about standing up for others, but do we talk enough about standing
up to the voice in their own heads? The mean one.
- The one that says they’re “less than” because they failed a test.
- That they’re unworthy because someone else got the girl.
- That they’re “too different,” and that’s why they weren’t included.
- The one that says, “Who are you to think you can ____?”
I’m talking about a No that protects intrinsic worth and guards against the inner critic that send them spiraling. That kind of No is a superpower that not many of us had in college. If we’re honest, most of us are still working on it.
And what about “Maybe?”
Well, the biggest growth I’ve seen in both Michael and AJ (and in 12+ years of coaching
clients through major transition) came from trying a Maybe.
- “Maybe if I go rock climbing.”
- “Maybe I’ll switch majors.”
- “Maybe I’ll go to the other dining hall.”
- “Maybe if I ______.”
When they were stuck in a heavy No day, the kind that says, “I’m not good enough,” trying a Maybe got them out of their rooms, changed scenery, and built resilience. Maybe is courage, exploration and, more importantly, a bridge back to that Yes feeling if it’s been temporarily lost.
Watching adult clients untangle complicated decisions every day has taught me something important both professionally and personally. I’ve learned that we are good at making things complicated. Really complicated. And that there are basics hiding behind language that we make too abstract, or appropriate, or impressive.
When my sons launched, what I hadn’t done was make it plain and simple. I couldn’t translate things simply through my own lens of sadness and concern.
If you are preparing to send a child into the world, whether they are graduating high school, college, or stepping into their own version of adulthood… simplify it. I wish I had.
Give your teens a simple guide with words they already have
They may not tell you, but they are overwhelmed too. So, give them words they already
know.
Yes.
No.
Maybe.
Remind them that a true Yes is aligned with who they are. They’ll feel it. Remind them that an empowered No can shut down the negative self-talk. And remind them that Maybe is action and courage that they’ve practiced since childhood.
Before they graduate, make it uncomplicated. For you. And for them.
Being an adult is complicated enough.
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