As a high school English teacher, I think a lot about how to help others communicate more effectively. So, last spring, as I was discussing with my ninth graders how much they’d changed since August in all the ways, I found myself also thinking of their parents.
Caregivers often ask me about these teenage-changes with a certain ringing-of-hands. It’s hard, they tell me, to convince their newly-minted high schooler to explain what they want and need, especially when it comes to their involvement in their child’s school life.
That’s when I decided to make it an assignment.
What would you tell your parents about your ninth grade year?
“Folks,” I said, passing out anonymous notecards, “we’re going to work on writing with clarity and purpose, all while doing some good for future freshmen and their families. Think back to that young person you were last fall and everything that’s happened since. If you could, what would you tell your parents about this year, that would help them help you?”
My students responded with earnestness, appreciation, and humor. Of course, their answers also spanned a wide range—most students either wanted more involvement from their caregivers, or waaaaaay more space—but as I organized the feedback, I found a few clear themes.
Prepare for awkwardness
Most families know the eighth-to-ninth-grade jump is going to be significant, but many students seemed to think parents would benefit from more real-talk about just how significant:
- “One word: awkward.”
- “I needed time to adjust and figure things out for the first couple months. I was overwhelmed, even though it might not have looked like it.”
- “In the fall, I was still basically an eighth grader. Parents should remember that. It takes a while to settle into so much new. I kind of feel those bad early grades were necessary and unavoidable.”
Demonstrate curiosity
Many students wrote about wishing their caretakers had a greater understanding of their courses’ curriculum and homework requirements. Often this was about the pressure they felt:
- “Actually understanding the homework load of my classes would have helped because it felt they were pushing me to do more, read more books, go to the gym more, volunteer, and I struggled to balance all that with the amount of school stuff I had to do.”
Other times it was about a desire for connection:
- “It would be cool to have my parents know more about the books we were reading so we could have conversations about them.”
- “Checking in before I have tests and then asking how I do, that would help motivate and encourage me.”
- “When my parents talk to me about school, it’s generally a very flat ask, like go study. This got old quickly because they didn’t follow up or understand what I accrued. Managing is annoying but curiosity is cool.”
Expect shifts in friendships
Another comment thread was about parents being “more chill” about friendship dynamics:
- “Instead of constantly asking who my friends are, relax.”
- “Friend groups shift and that doesn’t always mean something happened like a fight. That’s just how high school is.”
That said, friendship changes can be devastating, and students wanted to know if they needed them, their parents were there to help:
- “Checking in on how friends are is huge. I was hurt by being cut out of one group, and my parents gave me a place to process my emotions.”
Remain a safe space
Students acknowledged the up-and-down nature of their teenage emotions, while also wishing their parents had extended more compassion.
- “There’s a lot of pressure—from everyone, including myself. Especially when I’m upset, just acknowledging more that this is a hard and new year would have lightened some of the pressure.”
Some stressed that even if they weren’t struggling—and were often doing well academically—they still longed to be shown concern:
- “I wish they would check in more about how I’m doing in school, beyond my grades. My sibling, who needs more academic help, gets the attention, so sometimes I feel it’s assumed I’m fine and don’t need help.”
And many students emphasized how essential their parents’ support was:
- “Having my parents care about my schoolwork and emotional life helped me not fail school completely and keep a healthy perspective.”
- “Their continued support was everything. I needed my parents to stay my Safe Space. I mostly have to be grown up at school, so at home, it helps to be able to be little again.”
No matter what new grade, club, or school your child begins this fall, I hope my ninth graders’ responses remind you how important it is to talk (or write!) with them about all the things transitional experiences require of everyone. Despite the eyerolls you might get from your emotional and amazing teenager, trust me, it’s a worthwhile assignment.
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First published in Business Insider
