The in and out rhythm of his breathing calmed me like a lullaby. Centered and quiet, as if he and I were the only two in the world. His eyelids fluttered periodically with REM-inspired visions, only he was privy to. The weight of his body in my arms evoked feelings of unworthiness in a way I hadn’t experienced since the early days of parenthood. A time when I vacillated between wonder and weariness as I bumped along this new road called motherhood.
Though I now face a similar unfamiliar road, I feel surer and stronger, yet no less filled with
wonder and gratitude. This grandparent chapter of life seems to be what I was made for.
The day my son told me he and his girlfriend were expecting was not my proudest mom moment
However, you couldn’t have convinced me of that ten months ago. The day my son and his girlfriend told me they were expecting was not my proudest mom moment. There was not one emotion I could name at that juncture. It was as if every emotion I possessed joined forces to create a super-powered reaction that shut down all rational thought.
These were two kids trying to finish college with little to no resources to support a child, so I had reason to be concerned. I wisely hung up the phone and opted to reconnect with them two days later when I had time to collect my thoughts. My internal vow not to tell my husband until it was further sorted through simply evaporated as I crawled into bed that night. I blurted it all out and burst into tears and hiccups.
In a conversation with the kids, I asked questions and listened to their answers
In a subsequent conversation with the kids, I asked questions and actually listened to their
answers, reestablishing my status as a sane individual. The doctor had confirmed the home test; this was unexpected, but not unwelcome news, and they were keeping it. At 23, they had the right to make their own decisions, so it came down to what our decision would be as parents. Without hesitation, we committed to supporting them.
The first few months tested my marriage, my relationship with my son and my inner reserves.
Letting go of our fears for them and the immense responsibility ahead was no small feat. My
husband and I mourned the fact that our son would not be home for summer break or likely ever live in our house again.
Some days found us one step forward and two steps back
My son and I butted heads at my suspicion that he was using excitement to mask the overwhelming pressure and obligation of impending fatherhood. We discussed and discarded the idea of marriage, advising them to focus on one life change at a time. We worked to convince them this advice was not rooted in doubt of their commitment to each other or the baby. It was a delicate dance, with some days finding us one step forward and two steps back.
However, like pioneers, we forged ahead determined to meet the challenges of this unknown world. As a distraction, I busied myself in Buy Nothing Groups, Freecycle and Marketplace, outfitting their new apartment and buying the baby equipment they would need. Sonogram pictures, baby name options and teeny tiny clothes made the journey easier.
They decided to forgo fall classes and focus on delivering a healthy baby and earning money
In July, five months before the due date, we moved them into an apartment near their university and, fortunately, her family. They had both decided to forgo classes in the fall and focus on delivering a healthy baby and earning money. Although putting off a degree was disappointing, we had to admit our son had been on the “extended stay” college plan regardless and their logic could not be argued. The mother-to-be already had her associate’s degree and certification so her Bachelors/Master’s program had years remaining.
Once again, we released our pre-conceived vision and moved forward. This became the norm as we were catapulted into uncharted parenting waters. Over the months our role evolved, and I likened our function to that of Siri. If there was a specific request, we were ready with guidance. If there wasn’t, we stood by, content to let the kids steer until they needed to recalculate and sought our counsel.
I yearned to be reassured that this was a plan beyond our control and a blessing
It was a difficult pregnancy, but every prenatal doctor’s visit ensured our baby boy was big and strong. Awaiting these updates was the heliotropism of parenthood. Just as blossoming sunflowers rotate throughout the day to face the sun, I continually sought the fortification that this was meant to be. I yearned to bask in the reassurance that despite all odds, this was a plan beyond our control and a blessing beyond compare.
And on a sun-kissed day in early November, any remaining doubts were quelled as we welcomed the happiest of surprises, our grandson. Watching your son become a father is more than a full-circle moment. Rather, it is the literal sensation of your heart expanding in your chest to encompass this new life.
I had reverted to the same super-powered emotional mess I was on the day I got the news, but in the best possible way. My husband was right there with me, overcome in the moment but knowing it would be forever etched in our minds like the birth of our own boys.
Now, two months in, it is hard to think of a world without my grandson in it. As expected, there have been rough days—and nights—for these new parents but they are doing it. I am amazed at how well they are adjusting and, in particular, what a natural mother she is.
One of my Christmas gifts was taking the early morning baby shift so they could sleep. I stared down at him and marveled that simple perfection can come from complex circumstances. I recalled those sunflowers that eventually outgrow the continuous search for sunlight and remain facing east.
I too have matured and learned to await the sunrise. After all, you never know when something wonderful and unexpected might appear on the horizon.
More Great Reading:
9 Essential Truths About Being a Grandmother That I Learned from My Own Mom
