Lots of deliberation went into submitting this article…to share or keep to myself? Will it help me or will it help others? My hope is that it helps us all feel less alone and helps us believe it will get better. We all have our unique struggles and sad stories. Below is mine.
It was going to be hard enough being an empty-nester but truly being alone is really daunting. I never imagined I would be doing this very hard part all alone; sending both kids off to college.
My husband cheated leading to the demise of our 30 year marriage
Insert the mid-life cliche cheating husband after almost 30 years of marriage (over half of my life together). And this part all started with the discovery of the cheating a day before my first-born turned 19 and a week before he first left for college.
To say gutting and life-changing is a big understatement. I have seemingly gotten through it somehow (there really wasn’t a choice) but it has not been easy.
The future life I had envisioned for me and my kids had just blown up completely. Destroyed and devastated were my words of choice. The mantra for a bit was “it sucks every day in many different ways.”
My daughter was still at home with me for her senior year of high school so I could make it
through most days with different degrees of sadness. I was so sad for both of us. But, will I
survive my daughter’s upcoming departure to college? Probably.
Will I survive the new normal of just me?
Will I just survive or can I thrive in my new normal of just me? That is the more appropriate and accurate question. There should be a disclaimer. In all fairness, I won’t be truly alone. I will have my faithful friend, a golden retriever. She is a bundle of energy and joy. She was instrumental in helping ease the transition when my son went to college. We got her in May to help with his departure in August.
It really did help and would recommend if you are debating it. Golden retrievers can’t be beat with their perpetual default face of a smile.
Fortunately for me, I also have a built in excuse to be able to see both my kids in college even though they are far away. Both play Division 1 sports so I get to go see them compete. For those of you in this situation, you get it. This is a godsend getting to see my son and will be with my daughter.
My whole life has been devoted to my children’s upbringing
My whole life as a stay at home mom has been devoted to their upbringing. A large part of it being the journey of junior competitive travel tennis. It has been a long haul but totally worth it. My kids and I both made lifelong friends with other great junior tennis families.
Those same families were instrumental in helping with the tragic ending of my marriage and family of four. We were all in the trenches together traveling all over the country watching and supporting our kids competing almost every other weekend. They knew I was a shell of who I was because of the loss of my marriage/family. No more awesome and amazing family as I saw it. A new normal of the three of us was going to be a huge adjustment.
I am hopeful that the artist, Jelly Roll gets it right with his lyrics,
I am not okay/But it’s all
Jelly Roll
gonna be alright.
I don’t know how many times I said out loud that I am not ok. I was not ok for myself and for my children. The whole situation was just so far from ok.
How could it possibly be ok ever again. There are now choices and decisions I never wanted my kids to make. Go see Mom or Dad? See Dad’s girlfriend? How dreadful. And they aren’t little kids anymore, but I don’t know if that makes it any easier or if it actually makes it harder. They’re old enough to understand all of the ramifications of what has happened to us. But somehow, we are all going to have to be ok going forward.
The weeks and weekends will look different with the kids gone
The weeks and weekends will look different come August with both kids gone. I have been trying to prepare mentally and physically for it. I’m hoping the anticipation is worse than the reality.
I have gotten a part-time job for a variety of reasons. I fear that I will need a reason to get out of bed in the morning other than for the golden who will demand my attention. Starting the job was a hard step. I felt it necessary but didn’t want to miss any time with my kids.
We are trying to make new memories
It was good for my heart last summer when my son was home after his freshman year of college. I have tried to make the most of our time together as our new smaller family unit. Valuing the small things as well as some small trips. Things to put in the memory bank.
And the new memories are so important. I know my daughter is ready for her new adventures and making new college memories. I marvel at what she and my son will do….not only a college degree but one with Division 1 collegiate athlete resumes.
I am so proud of both of my kids and I am hoping to fuel myself with their happiness.
And I’m getting ready for us all to thrive…
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Empty Nester Diary: How a Single Mom Makes Peace With the Quiet
