I’m tired of being the peacekeeper between my husband and my kids.
The relationship between my husband and my kids has been tumultuous for as long as I can remember. He has very high expectations and he is critical of everything they do, overly so. He really doesn’t seem to understand that the parent/child relationship is fragile.
This has been going on for years. My kids have come to me in tears. I’ve navigated conversations and apologies, smoothed over rough waters, forced conversations that I shouldn’t have had to be part of. I’ve done my best to keep the peace.
It’s exhausting.
If I don’t stay involved I’m afraid that my kids will not repair their relationship with their dad
The flip side for me is that I’m afraid that if I step away my kids may not repair their relationship with their dad. They may just give up on him because of his endless moodiness, and the wishy-washy emotional push pull they feel.
He cannot be the adult.
He cannot admit he’s wrong.
He expects everyone to cater to him.
And yet, he doesn’t see this. I’ve tried and tried-for over 20 years! Nothing changes. The conversations are forced and uncomfortable. Unless he’s leading or you’ve performed according to expectations. No one is perfect and it’s getting harder and harder for me to protect my kids from this expectation.
I can call to mind SO MANY occasions when I watched my son playing a game-he’s on the court or the field and looking for his dad’s approval after a shot- mid game! I would just say to myself “please don’t look at your dad” because if he made the shot, then it’s all good. But if he didn’t, dad’s body language and facial expression say it all. Disappointment.
Our daughter is a hard worker and an overachiever, competitive by nature. She was at the top of her class as a elementary and middle-schooler, and did really well in high school and college. She didn’t, however, get a scholarship.
She didn’t achieve a 4.whatever GPA. She was good, but not great at her sport. I witnessed the differences in how my husband handled her successes and failures- he wasn’t nearly as hard on her but yet, she still didn’t want to drive home with him after a game.
Both of my kids always chose me. I’m not proud or happy about it- it just is what it is. I’m always the buffer and have to keep the peace.
Some parents brag endlessly and unrealistically about their kids
In so many families we know, the parents brag about their kids so much that they create illusions of grandeur about their abilities or achievements. Their kids can do no wrong.
I used to think this was ridiculous. But now, I think I would prefer that my husband err on this side. Why not be the kids biggest cheerleader, biggest fan, best supporter?
Why not see them with rose-colored glasses and build them up? I see this as a better option now because I’ve seen the other side.
I hear him talking about the kids-he isn’t always complimentary and there is NO reason not to be. We have raised amazing kids-they are both contributing members of society. As one friend once told me, “It’s our job as parents to launch them properly.” We did that.
Yet, still, there are unrealistic expectations, negativity, and snide comments. It’s almost like he wants them to fail. Maybe because he hasn’t had all the success he “should have had,” or is owed. I don’t get it! They are our kids! Why wouldn’t we always believe in their greatness?
What is a mom to do?
What’s a mom to do? I’m also a wife and despite the behavior, I love my husband. But I’m not willing to risk my relationships with my kids to repair his.
This time and from now on, I’m stepping away and staying out. They are old enough to speak their peace. Maybe speaking up will allow my kids to develop the fortitude to navigate challenges in the real world.
It’s heartbreaking, really. I’m so torn.
The author of this post wishes to remain anonymous.
More Great Reading:
