Parents…we worship them when we are little, we take them for granted as adolescents, and we ignore them or rebel from them as teens and young adults. Then there comes a day when you realize they were the wise ones and they loved you when you were difficult to love. It is all part of the process of growing up and becoming independent adults.
Just when you think you may have figured out the secrets to life, and your own children have matured into beautiful adults, a new phase begins. For me, the realization hit one day that now my parents need my help. On the surface it sounds easy enough. But, in reality, it does not seem easy to me at all.
How do I take care of my parents?
How do we care for those who always cared for us? What does it look like to reverse roles from child to trusted mentor? Why do I want to pretend none of it is happening? How do I plan better for my own aging years, if I am granted them as my own parents have been?
At 86 years of age, my mom and dad are in declining health. They each have their own health issues, and both have issues with memory. They still live in their own home, but there are days when I wonder how long this will be feasible. They are not financially stable enough to move into assisted living.
For now, my brother and I try to help in any way we can. My brother lives close, so he takes care of driving to medical procedures. I live farther away, so when I come, I cook meals for the freezer and try to do things around the house. My dad was a victim of fraud recently, so we had to go to the bank so I could be a signer on their accounts in the future.
It seems strange that they look to me for advice now
It feels so strange to be the one who seems to know what needs to be done, and have them seek my advice. They were always the ones I depended on to tell me the best paths to take.
My mom always used to be a multitasker and walked quickly from one part of the house to another. Now, each step is a painful struggle and daily activities consist of basic events such as hygiene and eating.
It’s sad and painful to observe and I simply wasn’t prepared for this. I don’t think any of us are, and that is why I write this. I have always written to share my heartfelt perspective on life and parenting in order to help others see that they are not alone in their life struggles and joys.
I know I am one of many who are going through this same tender stage of parenting your own parents. I don’t think I could have done more to prepare for it. Yes, there are a lot of practical, legal and financial tasks you can do. I’ve done many of those things, and I recommend them.
I have little advice about the emotions surrounding parents getting older
I have a lovely friend who shared the “So Now I’m Dead; What Happens Next” book her mother had lovingly prepared for her. This was incredibly helpful to my friend, and I am working to gather the same information from my parents. But, in terms of the feelings that are bubbling up about all of these life changes, I have very little advice.
It helps to talk to others who have gone through it before. I also find it helpful to journal and to pray for God to walk with me as He has done all of my life. An occasional glass of red wine hasn’t been a bad choice either, if I am being completely honest.
I am grieving the loss of having a parent who is still able to parent me
I am grieving losses of so many things but I realize that so much of what I am sad about is the loss of having a parent who is still able to parent me. I guess deep down, the little child in me still longs to know there is someone who will always be there with a warm hug and the knowledge that it will all be OK.
I will get through this, and it will be OK. I have lots of loving friends and family who will be by my side. But it is also OK to feel the weight of it and the sadness.
Some days are long and dark, but as my mom used to say, “tomorrow is another day and things always look better in the morning”. Gosh mom, thanks for those words of wisdom.
I was listening even when you didn’t think I was.
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