I’m having a moment.
Today I was walking, listening to a book, and the character in it was talking about how in her 20’s she had this full life, friends that felt like family, a great boyfriend (that becomes her husband) and how it all just changed one day. She’s older at this point in the story, and reflecting back.
The character talked about how her friends decided to have kids, and move to the ‘burbs from the city, and how everything changed, even though they all promised that it wouldn’t. She speculates that these friends were part of a season of life, but weren’t meant to be there forever, although thinking back, she feels hurt, left out and abandoned.
I’ve been spending a lot of time reflecting on past friendships
I’m also older at this point in my personal story and I have been spending a lot of time lately reflecting back.
I see my “Facebook memories” pop up with photos of gatherings, pool parties, birthday celebrations for kids and adults, trips, sporting events, and school events. I always smile, because those years were full of crazy schedules, incredibly busy weekends, and so much joy and happiness. I remember sending Evites to entire classes, including all the kids in a bowling event.
I was the Girl Scout troop co-leader for a few years: I slept on a marble floor under dinosaur bones and got my car stuck in the snow near our mountain cabin retreat. I did arts and crafts, helped with school projects, and spent MANY hours at the park, school playground, and outside with my kids and their friends.
I have been thinking about the friends who still remain
I have been thinking about these friendships-other parents in the same season of life, neighbors, friends of my kids whose parents became part of our circle, and my friends from my 20’s, before I had kids of my own. Some of these people remain friends today, even as the season has changed and my kids have grown and our common connection may not be the same.
The kids have drifted apart, some couples have divorced, others moved away. But many are still around and I have to say that I really try hard to maintain the relationships that I enjoy, respect, and cultivate. But then I start thinking about whether it is reciprocated.
I have so many of these relationships where my friend has been through or is going through a hard time. Difficult divorces, financial struggles, cancer, kids that have been really sick or fighting battles, relationship challenges, you name it.
40 years ago I had a health scare
I had my own health scare about 40 years ago, and I remember being so amazed by the support I received. People came out of the woodwork to check in on me, deliver goodies for the family, and visit during recovery.
It really was fantastic-I felt so loved and cherished, and was so grateful for the support. Aside from that, I can’t think of a time before or since that I’ve felt important in that way to so many people outside my family.
These days I see people on social media celebrating- they have birthday dinners with 10 ladies, beach parties, holiday BBQs with large groups. Their kids get married and it feels like half the town is invited and in attendance.
Some of the moms that had kids that my kids grew up with post pics of couples wine nights, and I feel envious even though they weren’t my circle. Their kid(s) brought them together, and they found enough common ground to cultivate their friendships separately beyond their kids. I admire and long for those kinds of relationships.
If I stopped trying would my friends reach out to me?
I wonder about many of my friendships. If I stopped trying would the other person ever reach out to me? I want to give some grace to those “going through difficult times,” but for how long? I mean some of these people have been running uphill for a decade or longer. Does my responsibility change because my life seems smoother sailing?
I have been pondering this lately.
Because I wish I had that person- that one, or a select few, who really knew me. Ones that NOTICED when I was a little off, because they kept in touch regularly. Those select few that kept judgment aside and just listened. Those few who reached out, cared, made plans, valued me the way I value them.
When I reach out most of my friends respond
When I reach out and we make a plan, most of my friends are caring and conscientious and stick to the plan as promised (hey life happens sometimes) and seem genuinely happy to spend time with me. But, it’s hard to always being the one who initiates the plan, reaches out to organize the togetherness, makes the reservations.
I’m always glad for the ones who say yes to plans because I value those relationships and want to do what I can to keep them. I guess I just had high hopes that at this stage of life, I would receive at least the same number of invites as I send. I expected that people would check-in with me that way I do with them. And I hoped to have some deeper relationships and truer connections reciprocated.
Maybe I did something wrong. I have no idea. I still hold out hope, because even though those relationships started with kids I don’t think they should end there.
I’ll keep trying- that’s who I am. But I’ll also keep hoping for more.
More Great Reading
What We Can Learn from Childhood Friendships: I’ll Always Have Laura
