Now More Than Ever I Really Miss My Old Married Life

I hung up the phone with my ex- husband over a month ago. For the first time in the four years since our divorce, I missed being married.

The feeling was visceral, I felt it to my core. I thought for sure it would pass–that it was just a flash running through my body because I was scared and trying to get through this kind of a situation as a single mother wasn’t something I ever thought I’d have to do.

For the first time since my divorce, I miss being married. (Twenty20 @kawamura)

I really miss being married right now

But the feeling is getting stronger and the longing to make a strong commitment to someone is stronger than it was in my twenties when the urge to get married was strong.

I really wish the feeling would pass.

I’m around my teenagers all day. We are spending lots of time together and connecting in a whole different way. That means so much to a mom who had three kids close together and felt like I’d lost them one at a time as they hit puberty.

The togetherness is wonderful and I love it.

I’ve been dating a man I love for a year now. He has kids of his own and we are only available to each other a few nights a week. But, when we are able to be with each other it’s amazingly fulfilling and I can honestly say it’s the best relationship I’ve ever been in. He makes me feel special. I know I am a priority in his life.

It’s wonderful and I love it.

I have amazing friends who pick up the phone and call. I have women who check in on me all the time and would come bearing anything I need should I ask.

It’s wonderful and I love it.

Even with all these amazing people in my life, this time is making me feel deeply, deeply lonely. At this moment, I wish I was married again which is strange since my divorce was liberating to me in so many ways.

There is nothing like a crisis to make you realize what’s important

There’s nothing like a crisis to set you back a few notches and make you realize there is something so special about sharing your life with someone.

My income has slowed and that’s scary. There’s no one to hold my hand and tell me we’ll just make the necessary changes and we’ll get through it. It’s all on me to figure out for myself.

If my children are struggling, sure, they have their father and me to talk to, but it’s not the same. We are no longer a united front in the way we once were.

I now realize the likelihood of me being someone’s number1, the place I held when I was happily married, is pretty bleak. Kids come first and they should. But suddenly I can’t shake the memory of being partnered, part of a twosome, living in the same house together as two halves of a team.

This isn’t a case of not knowing what you have until it’s gone. It’s more of a realization that life is terribly tenuous. Something earth-shatteringly scary can happen, and suddenly all the things you loved about being free and not tied down, take a backseat.

Things would be easier if I had a partner

This would be easier if I had someone to sit with every night and just hold.

This would be easier if I had a constant in my life— someone sharing this space who was so familiar I could practically predict their every move.

When I hear my married friends talk about what they are making for dinner, or the walk they took, or the new game they tried, I am jealous. Even though I can do those things with my boyfriend, they don’t have the same ease and comfort they would if we were married and sharing a home.

When I divorced years ago I never thought I’d miss being married. I loved coming and going as I pleased, the independence, the freedom. I didn’t ever want to have to check in with someone about buying something or a decorating choice again. I like my space, time, and privacy. It’s been empowering and fulfilling, not to mention fun.

But now, I see things so differently. Those perks have lost their luster and given me a fresh vision about the things I took for granted in my marriage.

I may sound selfish to some. And believe me, I’ve had my moments of eating myself up because I could have tried harder to fix my marriage for my children. One thing I now know for sure is being married and having a partner who you come home to every day, especially in a crisis, trumps the freedoms I’ve gained since my divorce.

I miss being married and I’d give anything for the security being bonded in that way with someone you love brings.

We’ve all learned something about ourselves through this, and this has been my revelation. And now it’s up to me to refocus my life and be honest about what I really want while never taking the benefits of a committed relationship for granted again.

The author of this piece wishes to remain anonymous.

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