The waiting season is officially in full swing. College essays have been written, rewritten, second-guessed, and finalized. FASFA forms are complete. Transcripts and recommendations submitted.
Across the country, admissions folks are carefully reading applications to decide which prospective students have the greatest shot at success in their schools. As we head toward March notification dates, students and parents understandably can feel tension ratcheting up. If you care about something – say, your child’s being accepted by a college they really want to attend – feeling anxious is an entirely natural response.
You know your high school senior better than anyone. Perhaps they’ve sailed through this process and now are focused on spring academics, athletics, dramatics, or even the prom. If so, terrific!
Still, the whole admissions scene is so fraught these days, that feelings of anxiety about the outcome can easily distract from other aspects of life that deserve more attention. So, if your kid is struggling a bit in this moment, let me offer four suggestions for parents to help dial back those negative emotions.
Four ways parents can help dial back negative emotions
1. It can be useful to remind your child that, at this point, they’ve done all they can to influence the decision
Now it’s out of their control, and other people are in charge. It’s rather like rolling a putt in golf. Once the ball leaves your club-face, a lot of factors can influence whether it falls into the cup. If you’ve given it your best stroke, then it’s time to accept the result and move on.
College admissions counselor and author Mindy Rose has created a powerful and yet accessible model 1 that graphically distinguishes those areas in the admissions process (and in life) where we do and don’t have some measure of control. Clearly, the best strategy is to let go of the latter and concentrate on the former. Chatting about this distinction can gently nudge your student to refocus their energy on things they are able to influence – like their final high school semester, as noted above.
But here’s a second, and more hopeful, reminder: Even though today’s admissions environment is highly competitive (no news there!), it’s also true that your student most likely will be admitted somewhere – and probably to more than one school. At that point, they will have choices; they will be in the driver’s seat.
2. If your child is open to the conversation, this might be a great time to return to the topic of why they want to go to college in the first place
Spending their next four years on a college or university campus should be an on-purpose decision, not just the inevitable next step after high school. After all, no one has to go to college. There are many other options – from the military to trade schools to working or even volunteering for a year or two.
For some young people, taking a break between high school and college significantly elevates their level of maturity, vastly increasing their chances of succeeding when they move on to what’s next. It likely will still be college. But they could decide that their interests actually point in another direction.
Here’s the bottom line: By asking questions and really listening to the replies, parents can help a young person determine their best path. Reaffirming that college is the right choice for your student can add motivation for the steps yet to come.
3. I sincerely hope your kid hasn’t come to believe that they absolutely must get into one particular college or university or their life will be forever ruined
It’s simply not true!
For any given student, there are many schools where they can have a great educational experience and lay the foundation for a productive and satisfying life. Most importantly, what your student does as an undergraduate – how hard they work, identifying a major that draws upon their talents and sparks their passion, the co-curricular activities they pursue, and so on – is infinitely more important than the name on their diploma.
If, in your heart of hearts, you don’t quite believe this, please check out Frank Bruni’s wise book, Where You Go Is Not Who You’ll Be. Over a long career in the academy, I’ve encountered many (very many) students and graduates who were not admitted to their first-choice school but who found that the college or university where they landed was actually the best option for them all along. In fact, afterwards, they couldn’t imagine having gone anywhere else!
4. No matter how much research your child has done or how many college visits you’ve made, no student can know how a given school really will feel until they arrive and immerse themself in the life of the campus
Their first few months will be full of discoveries – and probably a few unexpected challenges, as well. But rather than nursing anxiety, it’s far more productive for your student to approach this next step as an adventure. Author Gail Blanke has written that significant life-transitions can make us feel like we’re “between trapezes.”
You’ve let go of one bar but not yet caught hold of the next one. You’re flying free! The experience can be exhilarating – or scary. Usually, it’s both at once. But now is a great time to encourage your child to enjoy the ride and imagine the upside of wherever they matriculate: new intellectual horizons, new self-discoveries, new lifelong friends. Helping your student adopt an attitude of optimism and curiosity about their future will give them a head start on their college career.
Eventually, the waiting season will come to an end, and you and your child will get through it. I wish you an outcome everyone can happily embrace! Can you eliminate all anxiety leading up to it? Probably not. But using this time to spark some thoughtful conversations can help you and your student not just survive but come away energized and enthused, as you all look toward the spectacular next stage of their life. It’s also a wonderful opportunity to reaffirm your unconditional love and support for your child – whatever the admissions outcome.
More Great Reading:
Former College President On Choosing a Major: Avoid This Big Mistake
Former College President: What To Do If Things Go Wrong for Your College Student
