So many excited grandparents, looking forward to their own child having a child, wonder how they can best help once the new baby arrives. We don’t want to do too much and new families need quiet time alone. But we don’t want to do too little, either.
Our daughter or daughter-in-law is more than likely exhausted in the weeks after the birth and an extra set of hands can lighten her burden. SO, how can new grandparents be helpful?
Below are some ideas with the most essential caveat that every family is different and it is unlikely that the young family will know what they want or need until the time arrives. Every baby is different, every delivery is different and no young parent has been in the exact situation they find themselves in before.
Grandparents need to communicate clearly
Grandparents need to be communicative and ask how they can be helpful without being in the way. They need to adjust to each day and what the new family needs at that moment. One day they want you to come over for the whole day to cuddle the baby and share its first bath with you. The next they need time alone and would rather you didn’t come by.
Showing up with good intentions isn’t the same as being genuinely helpful. The best grandparents understand that their job isn’t to visit the baby, it’s to support the parents so they can focus on their newborn.
What does real help look like?
Before you get there
- Ask what they need. Don’t assume. Every family is different, and what worked for you thirty years ago might not be what they want now. What worked for them last time they had a child might not work this time. Be flexible and willing to do whatever helps them in this moment.
- Take care of your own needs Bring your own coffee or food, don’t add to their burden by having them take care of you as well.
- Wash your hands as soon as you enter their home. This simple act says you are here to help in any capacity and you are making the health and comfort of the new baby and its mother your number one priority.
The Golden Rule
You’re there to take care of the parents so they can take care of the baby. Your job is to help with the household in any way that might be useful. Think of yourself as a “house elf” working in the background to make everything run more smoothly.
What to Do
- Cook meals or stock their freezer with easy-to-reheat food before the baby even arrives. If this isn’t useful, offer to bring food by, or order a delivery once the baby is home.
- Do the dishes. Nothing says I’m here to help than your kids walking into a clean kitchen.
- Handle the laundry, including washing and putting it away. Ask if it would be helpful to tackle any of the big jobs the new mom might not have taken on in the final weeks of her pregnancy like rugs, slip covers, duvet and other cleaning tasks.
- Keep the house tidy with dusting, vacuuming and everything you would do in your own home, if they feel that would be helpful.
- Run errands: grocery shopping, picking up prescriptions, gas station runs. Who doesn’t love getting into their car and finding out the gas tank was magically filled?
- Take out trash and restock essentials like toilet paper, paper towels and laundry detergent.
- Care for pets and take them for walks.
- Keep older siblings busy and entertained if this isn’t their first baby. Offer to take older siblings on outings or to your home to give mom and the new baby some quiet time.
When It Comes to the Baby
- Hold the baby so parents can eat a meal together, sitting down, uninterrupted.
- Take night shifts if you’re staying over, bringing baby to mom for feeding, then settling the baby back down so parents can sleep.
- Change diapers and handle the less glamorous baby tasks.
- Don’t monopolize baby time, remember, you’re there to help, and mom/dad and baby need bonding time.
What NOT to Do
- Don’t expect to be waited on or entertained.
- Don’t offer advice unless specifically asked, it is hard not to reminisce back to the way we did things decades ago. Resist the temptation as much as possible.
- Don’t say “I did this with my kids and they turned out fine.”
- Don’t judge their parenting choices, especially around feeding decisions.
- Don’t overstay your welcome, leave when you said you would unless asked to stay longer.
- Don’t be offended if they want privacy in the hospital or early days at home.
The Most Important Thing
Follow their lead and respect their rules, even if you disagree. This is their baby, their home, their family. Your job is to support them, not to take over or do things your way.
What New Moms Actually Need
- Someone to take care of them, not just the baby.
- Sleep, so offer to take a shift so they can rest deeply without the baby monitor.
- Easy, nutritious food and lots of water, especially if breastfeeding.
- Time to shower without rushing.
- Someone to tell them that this is hard and that they’re doing a good job.
Consider These Thoughtful Extras
- A cleaning service for a few weeks or months
- Gift cards for grocery or meal delivery
- Fresh fruit, pre-cut vegetables, and healthy snacks they can grab easily
- Taking care of household tasks they might not think of, like getting their car washed
The Bottom Line
The best gift you can give new parents is showing up for them, not just showing up. When you take care of them, they can better take care of your grandchild.
And here’s the beautiful part: when you support them this way, when you show up as a helper rather than a visitor, you’re building trust and connection that will serve your relationship for years to come. You’re showing them they can count on you, that you respect them as parents, and that you’re truly part of their village.
Tell them what a wonderful start they are making as parents and how proud you are of them. They may be grown, they may be parents themselves, but they are still our kids and want to know how happy we are with them and for them.
Congratulations grandma and grandpa and welcome to the best club in the world!!!
More Great Reading:
Changing Diapers at 55: Unexpected Joy of Being a Stay-at-Home Grandmother
