It wasn’t very long into my teens’ high school years that I realized a few things. Not only did they have no interest in going to college (something their father and I always assumed they’d do because we did), they didn’t care about their grades, or schooling in general.
I was frustrated. And to say we had some trying times during their high school years is an understatement, but we did the best we could. After I accepted the fact that they were fine with just passing and getting out of school as soon as they could so they could pursue the things they wanted to do, everything changed.
Instead of focusing on grades I celebrated other things about my teens
Instead of focusing on their grades, I celebrated other wins in my children’s’ lives, and our relationships changed for the better. My son would come home from school and go to his part time job, determined to save up for a car in one summer, which he did. In fact, my son was so motivated by that milestone, he started working for his father to learn the plumbing trade so he could take over the business one day. He was sixteen, had clear goals, and none of those goals involved going to college or earning academic awards.
I noticed the more I praised and encouraged my son for his working achievements, the more independent he became. Before I knew it, he was going out and doing things with his own money like getting his haircut, joining a gym, buying parts for his car and teaching himself how to fix it. But the most important thing was that he was happy.
Instead of nagging my son about schoolwork I praised him for the things he enjoyed doing
Instead of nagging him that he should be spending more time doing school work and less time working and fiddling with his car, I praised him for being independent, for figuring things out, and for not being afraid to tackle a problem. I watched his confidence rise, and when something came up around the house, like a broken appliance, he’d calm me down and remind me we could probably figure it out together.
Now my son is almost twenty-one, and a few months ago after a bad storm hit, he came over and fixed my fence that had blown down. He takes care of the lawn and does the snow removal. If his tires need changing, he changes them.
When my washing machine broke, he figured out how to fix it. He’s saved a ton of money from working hard, and just got his Journeyman’s license. He’s never late for work, picks up overtime, and if friends or relatives need help around their house, he’s there to help them.
My relationship with my son is much better since I stopped nagging him about college
And I always tell him how amazing it is to have these skills and talents, because I truly believe it is. But I also believe that had I continued fighting with him about studying harder, or demanded that he go to college to follow some dream that was never his, our relationship wouldn’t be as great as it is today.
If I hadn’t started to recognize that the non-academic things he did for himself, for me, and for others, were just as worthy of praise, who knows if he would have believed it himself? And if he didn’t believe that the things he could offer were just as good as good grades or going to college, where would he be right now? How would he feel about himself?
My younger kids saw my parenting evolve as my son grew up
My two younger kids watched our evolution. They saw their brother hating school and struggling, they witnessed us fighting. Then they saw me change my attitude once I realized that my son has a lot more to offer than I was giving him credit for. I believe that that gave my younger children the confidence to explore what they really wanted to do because they knew it was just as important and just as valued as going to college.
My daughter took a year off after high school, worked, and decided she wanted to become a licensed esthetician and is a month away from graduating. She followed her true passion and is so excited about her future.
My youngest also took his own path, graduated high school a year early, and is moving to Hawaii to work on an organic farm in January.
None of my kids wanted the life I chose for myself
None of my kids wanted the life that I chose for myself. No college, no corporate job, not trying to make the honor roll. They didn’t care about grades, and even though I know this might unpopular, I stopped caring about their grades too.
I’m so glad I didn’t push them or make them feel like they had to fit into a certain box to be successful. Because the skills and independence my kids have is what makes them truly happy. And to me, that’s the true definition of freedom.
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