What teen doesn’t jump with joy at the sight of a text from their mother? These parents perfected the art of the “BlurtText” – advice from moms doled out one tiny text at a time.
Dear Parents with Kids in College,
Let’s speak honestly. We are neglected by our darling children. How can we get them to listen to us from a distance? We have important advice from moms that will keep them alive! Our solution is the BlurtText.
The BlurtText is no small art form. It is a feat of beauty, accomplished with the deftness that comes only after a semester of college under our parental belts.
Here’s the key: If we want our kids to listen to advice from moms, we’ve got to give it in a way that will only swallow three seconds of their day.
Life is complicated. We know you have a lot to say. Important things! But you’re going to have to get tough on yourself and narrow your messaging down to a few choice words. If this sounds impossible, here’s a starter pack of proven successful BlurtTexts:
Advice from Moms to College Kids Via BlurtText
Hi! Thinking of you! Change your toothbrush when it’s splayed or you’ll tear apart your gums.
Never put your drinking cups mouth side down on counters because so many germs.
Don’t snort anything ever.
Stay off Kik and Yik Yak and Whisper. I know things. Bad things.
The neighbor’s coworker’s son was driving a friend’s car and crashed it. Do not do that.
First you need goals. Then you need to do things toward your goals. Every single day.
Don’t lend money.
Mice like room crumbs.
If you don’t know, ask.
DON’T DRINK THE PUNCH
Wash your hands because other people wipe their butts and they never wash their hands. I’ve seen it.
Sleep or you’ll feel depressed.
Eat protein or you’ll feel depressed.
Talk to people or you’ll feel depressed.
Do you ever feel depressed?
Last night I dreamed you stole a tiny glass penguin from a gift shop. Do not steal.
Always take a shower because it’s like a miracle. So is a new shirt, so let me know and I’ll send you some.
Don’t get in any fake Uber kidnapper cars. Or drunk or high Ubers. Really, just call a taxi. They’re regulated, you know.
On time is late.
Good posture and a good haircut save many a day.
Do not cheap out on chocolate for your girlfriend.
Read labels so you know what you’re eating.
In your white plastic bin are three bottles of vitamins and calcium each, take them. Not all at once, though.
Drink water. Is your pee clear?
Hypothermia is worse than bad hair. Wear a hat.
If twerking ever seems like a good idea, it’s past time to go home.
Wet socks are bad.
Don’t eat poisonous seeds from Asia.
Don’t get scurvy.
Did you get an absentee ballot? Voting is your privilege and responsibility.
When in doubt, do good.
Make sure you smile back so you look happy to be there.
Goodnight, person who can’t be bothered to respond to a simple text.