When I was getting married 30 years ago, my sister told me that she thought wedding planning was the prefect prep for marriage because it is a microcosm of all the things a couple will deal with in their relationship; expectations, money, friends, family relationships, compromise, stress, things going wrong.
I think this is very true, but I am now learning that your child’s wedding planning is also prepping for something – letting go, acknowledging their adulthood, letting them make their own decisions as a couple.
Not getting to have cake for dessert.
My daughter Emma is getting married. We are all thrilled about this. We love her fiancé and her brothers are excited to be part of her big day, one as the officiant and the other two as groomsmen.
My husband and I are working hard to let the kids make their own wedding decisions
My husband and I have worked on being supportive and not overly involved or opinionated about their choices. They are managing the budget we gave them on their own.
They have chosen to get married in Lake Tahoe and are in the process of selecting vendors, bands, a photographer. I even went dress shopping with her twice. For the most part, it all has been easy and I have been congratulating myself on how cool I am.
They have made most of the decisions with little or no input from us. For the record, no one would ever call me un-opinionated, cool, or stand offish with my thoughts, least of all my children, so this is somewhat surprising.
I was the strict mom. No screens during the week, no Spiderman costumes at school, no televisions or computers in bedrooms. I had opinions I shared freely about friends, about clothes, about schools. I don’t like navel piercings, or dark brown sheets, or raisins in cookies.
When it comes to wedding planning we have tried to be hands-off
It’s possible I am quite judgmental. I once told my own mother she made peanut butter and jelly sandwiches incorrectly. But being mother of the bride? The engagement, the wedding planning, the dress shopping? Cool as a cucumber. Excited for them! Hands off! Mostly.
Then they couldn’t get a date at their preferred venue for 22 months. “Let’s look at other venues! Let’s do it the fall!,” I suggested, helpfully. Nope. My husband and I got engaged and married in less than eight weeks, so patience isn’t a strength of mine.
“Ok,” I said, “You could just get pregnant and have a baby with all these months we have to wait.” That did not go over well. I might have been told that was an inappropriate suggestion. Whatever.
I made Emma try on a veil with beautiful colored flower appliqués on it, which she told me (with an eye roll) that she was doing only because she knew I liked it but she had no intention of wearing it. I was getting a try on and that was all.
They decided on no kids at the wedding. I was a little sad – we have lots of babies in the family and I thought that would be fun. My husband Steve and the boys had opinions about the hiring of a band and the costs of said band that they shared one night at dinner.
Not welcome commentary. They got the silent treatment for a day.
There will be no cake at the wedding and that really gets me
The one that really got me, that I am struggling to let go of, though, is no cake. No cake! There is not going to be a wedding cake at the wedding. I love dessert. Really love it. Kids birthday parties with grocery store cakes?
I am first in line, I am offering to help cut the cake so I get a good slice. Fancy dinner with chocolate cake on the dessert menu? Thanks, I will save room! Leftover cake in the kitchen on a weekend morning? Cake for breakfast! Carrot cake, red velvet, flourless chocolate, yellow with homemade frosting – I’ll eat them all.
Picking your birthday cake flavors was an annual tradition for the kids. What did they mean they didn’t want cake? I get not wanting the big, tiered white cake with the giant knife, the cutting ceremony, and the shoving it in each other’s mouths. That’s dumb. (Judgy, remember?) But slices of delicious cake late at night in between dance sessions? That’s amazing!
We were at a family wedding last fall, and I passed by Emma’s fiancé taking a break from dancing and enjoying a slice of wedding cake. “This is delicious cake!,” he said with a huge smile. I couldn’t let the opportunity pass. “Right!?,” I said. “Cake is delicious, don’t you want to have it at your wedding?” “Nope,” he shook his head, put down his plate and went back to the dance floor.
Damn. I know there will be dessert at their wedding, so my sweet tooth won’t go unsatisfied. It will not be cake, though, and that is ok. I guess.
It’s not my wedding. Still learning the letting it go part.
More Great Reading:
11 Things I Learned About Wedding Planning When My Daughter Got Married
