A while back, I wrote about the trials and tribulations of being the mother of four boys and how I heard that there was a special place in heaven for such mothers. At that particular time in my life, I lived in the reality of ignored phone calls, avoided texts and general displeasure emanating from the pores of my sons when I asked questions or attempted a conversation which required a response possibly longer than a word or two.
And remnants of that time linger as I prepare to send my fourth and final son to explore his new life in Los Angeles. He has an intense distaste towards anything uttered regarding what needs to be done prior to his departure, He becomes overwhelmingly exhausted when I mention the words “plan”, “organize”, “pack”, and worst of all “maybe you should get a haircut before you leave”. My support is no bother to him, my words, not so much.
I have three fully grown men and a three-quarter boy-man in my life
As the years have passed, however, I have come to realize that these traits may not necessarily be solely a gender issue but might also be an age and general personality issue and that it can and may morph into something quite nice given the right amount of time and energy invested, sprinkled with a dose of love and luck.
You see, I now have four fully grown men in my life. And while the conversations and the word to time ratio still seem to fall squarely in their court (translation: it is usually on their timetable), I can proudly announce with glee that my boys not only like to talk to me in general but that they often, if not always, choose to talk to me in times of trouble.
I have heard so many times in the last few years the following sentences: “I love talking to you”, You always give the best advice”; “You always make me feel better after we talk” and “I love that I can talk to you about anything. And you never judge and you never just say what you think I want to hear. You are honest, straightforward and the best source of advice and comfort.”
I would still love to speak to my sons more often
Mind you, these conversations are not a daily or weekly occurrence. And I would still love to speak to them more often since all four will be living out of town. However, hearing those words from the mouths of my “used-to-be” tight-lipped sons gives me a kind of pleasure that, ironically, I have no words to explain. Words would only make light of the feelings that “those words” bring.
Not long ago, a quote was posted from the piece I wrote where I spoke of how boys answered most texts with one word, if that, and not a syllable more. Many people responded with their own version of the one word reply and found camaraderie and relief that they were not alone.
While I did not read every response, I did read one by a woman with two young boys who expressed fear and dismay at the prospect of raising her boys with this to look forward to. I spent about 15 minutes drafting a reply to her, reassuring her that these were just generalizations and not absolute facts and that there were so many other wonderful things about being the mother of all boys. It was perfect, to the point and and on the money. And I don’t know how, but I pushed “delete” rather than “reply.”
My reassuringly positive response was gone. And I thought, maybe this was not the time or place to respond. Fate had intervened. More likely, I was frustrated and annoyed at the incident and had to walk away before I threw my iPad across the room.
Raising boys is not akin to a life sentence of one-word answers
Well, this is for that woman as well as anyone else who took my words to mean that raising boys was akin to a life sentence of one-word answers and struggles to communicate:
Yes, I do believe that boys in general may be less communicative than their female counterparts. And yes, being a mom to all boys may, at times, feel like you have been dropped into a foreign land where you do not necessarily understand the language, the behavior, or the way their minds work. But this is not necessarily true for all boys (nor is it necessarily untrue for some girls) nor is it guaranteed to last a lifetime. It also may simply be part of a person’s personality, be it male or female, and may last longer than anyone would like.
I feel incredibly lucky to have the wonderful relationship with my boys that I now have. Don’t get me wrong; there are still those days when I cannot understand the how’s and why’s of their words and their actions. But that is life. That is the separation of a child from his or her parent and their spreading of their own wings to make their own choices and their own mistakes.
Grown sons are the best!
But, especially to that young woman who bemoaned the fact that she “only had boys”, please know that whether they speak freely from birth or they seem to use their words sparingly, whether it seems that they live to please you or to annoy you, they will likely turn out to be, in your eyes, the most special people to walk the face of this earth.
They won’t be perfect, and they won’t always do “the right thing” (a topic for another day). But they will be a product of all of your love, caring and consideration and, most outstanding of all, they can be some of the best friends you will ever have. So, worry no more. While we may still get that special place in heaven, it might be more attributable to how our sons feel about us than how we felt about raising them.
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