We’ve been hearing about a lot of college students whose in-person attendance at their colleges is being cancelled. In solidarity with them, we have come up with a list of things you can do to help your at-home college student feel like they are at school.
Seventeen ways you can help your student feel like they are in the dorm
1. Tell them they are not allowed to eat dinner with you anymore. Give them a four-month supply of Ramen noodles.
2. Make them do their laundry at the laundromat.
3. Only talk to them once a week — via Skype.
4. Make them wear flipflops in the shower.
5. Anoint their younger sibling(s) as Resident Advisor. Have them plan mandatory community building activities.
6. Three words: Family beer pong!
7. Make them walk to class by taking a lap around the house.
8. Have them take the bus to the corner store.
9. When they leave the house, lock them out by putting a sock on the front doorknob.
10. Put up signs around the house advertising movie night.
11. Hang big Greek letters on the family room walls. Tell them they can’t come in unless they are part of the fraternity/sorority. If they ask to join, interview them and have them do various activities to determine if they’ll be a good fit. Seriously consider rejecting them.
12. Collect a meal ticket/card swipe every time they open the refrigerator.
13. Fill a bowl with warm beer. Add a stinky gym sock, French fries and a slice of pizza. Leave it in their room all semester.
14. Declare the dining room the “library”. If they speak too loudly, “shhh” and stare daggers at them.
15. As soon as they start to fall asleep, laugh and yell loudly while playing music on full volume outside their door.
16. Twice a week, between 2 AM and 5 AM, set off all the smoke detectors. Force your student to stand across the street in their pajamas and stare at the house for at least one hour. During this time, their sibling (now Resident Advisor, see #5) must knock on every cupboard and closet in the home to be certain your student is not hiding inside. Every other week wait for your student to fall back asleep, then set off the detectors again.
17. Swap their normal mattress for a decrepit twin extra-long with questionable stains on both sides. If possible, bunk it over their desk so they bump their head every time they sit up in bed.
We hope that does the trick and you college student feels right at “home.”
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