I have always been the biggest holiday freak you could ever meet. I didn’t understand people who hated listening to Christmas music before Thanksgiving or why people would get so grumpy and retreat during this time.
It’s always been the time of year I’ve looked forward to most. The days are better with Christmas to look forward to. The music and lights filled me with enough giddiness to ignore the stresses of everyday life.
Then I went through a divorce.
After my divorce, the holidays are harder for me.
The first year my kids and I decorated our Christmas tree without my ex-husband, my daughter went into her room and cried. My oldest son retreated to the sofa holding one ornament in his hand and watching it twirl in front of his face. My youngest was sad that no one was acting the same.
And I almost fell apart.
It devastated me and made me want to shut the holidays down. It was a sad reminder for my children about the memories we’d made, our family had changed, and how things would never be the same.
Even if we celebrated harder or I bought them more gifts, I couldn’t take those truths away. All I wanted was to make it through the holidays, and for the first time in my life, I was glad they were over. Taking down the tree and not looking at holiday commercials felt like freedom. After it was over, I thought, okay, I have a whole year to heal before going through that again.
This time of year felt like suffering now
What used to be a time of year that symbolized joy and togetherness felt like suffering.
That feeling didn’t stop behind our closed doors either. Going out in public to do shopping, getting together with friends, and attending Christmas parties made me shut down. There were times I felt like I couldn’t catch my breath and days when I’d wake up feeling strong, only to have ten setbacks by noon.
I traded my homemade desserts for store-bought varieties because it was too painful to smell certain smells. Conversations at gatherings were painful. Instead of working the room in a sparkly top with some bubbly wine, I didn’t care what I wore, and it took all of me to get through a conversation without tears in my eyes.
People didn’t want to be around me after a while, and I didn’t want to be around them.
The truth is, I’d been counting on the holidays to mask some of the pain my children and I were going through. Instead, it brought up all my uneasiness, all my anxiety, and all of the hurt surrounding our new life.
Instead of covering up sadness, the holidays can peel back protective layers for those in pain.
That was the year I started to understand why this time of year is tough for so many. The holidays remind us of things we used to have that we no longer do. We miss people who used to be in our lives. Celebrating the season after you’ve lost a loved one or your job or are battling depression feels like you are stabbing at a sore spot repeatedly.
Twinkle lights or sugar cookies cannot fix the pain. Well, not in the long run, anyway.
Be gentle and compassionate with people, especially this time of year.
People are expected to be so happy and thankful this time of year, but that may be hard for someone struggling. This time of year is hard on some people, and showing gentleness and compassion can go a long way.
If someone is quiet this time of year, reach out and tell them you are there.
If someone is grumpy at the checkout ahead of you, remember they are probably fighting a fight you know nothing about. Then, be extra nice to the cashier.
If someone is tearing up at a holiday party but doesn’t want to talk about it, don’t give up on them. Keep the light on instead.
Remember, some people are just trying to make it through to the New Year, and they are doing their best. It has nothing to do with you and everything to do with an internal battle in their head.
And then, buy them a coffee, give them a hug, or shoot a smile. It literally could make all the difference to them.
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