Lessons at the Knee of the Master, My Father in Law

lessons from GrandfatherThe first time I left my eldest child was to go to a wedding, overnight. The celebration was obligatory and I was a wreck. I was worried beyond all reason that something would happen to my thirteen-month-old baby and truly did not want to abandon him for an hour let alone twenty-four hours. My husband convinced me that I had to learn to leave him and that my father-in-law, my son’s grandfather, would care for him, perhaps not exactly like I would, but my son would be in good hands. When I came home, all I can say, is that both sets of hands, big and small, were covered in chocolate.

My son had learned a new word, “choc,” thereby increasing his vocabulary to four words. He couldn’t say Grandad, but he could say “choc.” My husband could see that I was apoplectic and talked me down off the ledge (for the record, I wasn’t going to jump, I was going to push my father-in-law) and when my father-in-law saw my astonishment at feeding chocolate to a baby, he explained, with his small-village Irish brogue, in all seriousness, that Cadbury made their chocolate buttons so small in order for tiny hands to successfully manage them. Cadbury, he was implying, knew better what my child should eat than I did; I don’t remember that I took that well.

This is what my FIL has done to my children. He has dressed them in each others’ clothing and never noticed. They are not twins. He has put them in each others diapers so that the younger child was swimming in one much too large for him and the older child was an unholy mess. See above, they are still not twins. I lost the battle with chocolate and to this day he arrives at my doorstep from Europe, with one suitcase of clothing and another filled with candy. One weekend when he looked after my children (I know, I know, but my Grandmother was turning 90) he took them to McDonalds, more than once IN THE SAME DAY, and although I never got him to fess up, I found the Happy Meal toys.

He helped my eleven year old dye his brown hair bright blond, with permanent color, and it took two rounds at the hairdresser to get his hair brown enough to return to school in September. My FIL has taken my boys fishing, played soccer, cricket, golf, and American football even though he has no idea how to throw a football, or even how to hold it. He’s taken them bike riding and fruit picking. He has taught them to plant vegetables and bet on horses.

He has laughed with them at Tom and Jerry and sung along with Barney. He has run after soccer balls by the hour as my boys practiced shot after shot, usually missing the goal entirely. He has taken them to parks and zoos and movies and playgrounds. He has taken them river rafting, which is all the more heroic because he doesn’t know how to swim. When they were tiny he would rise with them, long before the sun, sneak them out of their bed and crib so quietly that as my husband and I slept, we never even heard him put them in their double stroller and leave for the park. Before they returned, yep, they had had McDonald’s. There would be syrup in their hair, bits of pancake stuck to their clothing and I would have slept until 9:00. My FIL gave them their first chocolate and their first pint, and he was there for everything in between. And here we are nearly twenty years later and my children, my very grown up children wait by the door when he arrives, walk him to the car as he leaves, begging him to tell them when he will return.

When my sons were visiting colleges my FIL came along on the trips with us. This is a man who barely graduated high school and whose education comes very much from another era. My boys were excited about the prospect of college but their true appreciation for the opportunity being placed in front of them came when they saw the majesty of American universities through my FIL’s eyes. He gave them the gift of perspective. To them this was one more step on the path of their lives, albeit the most exciting one; to him it was beyond imagination.

Throw your mind back, remember when you walked through the door to cries of Mommy, Daddy? Well my kids are certified grown and flowns and when my father in law arrives, to this day…they still rush to the door. What does this tell me? Are my kids just slaves to anyone who will give them the junk food I have tried to keep out of their lives? Well, no, of course not. They don’t live at home, so who knows what they are eating. Someday I am hoping to be a grandmother and if my grandchildren run to the door when they are small to see me I will be overjoyed. If they rush to the door as teenagers, I am fairly certain that my life will be complete.

This is what my FIL has done for me. He has shown me how to be a grandparent. When I get there I know I will be ready. For while I was learning to be a mother, quietly without a word, he was teaching me to be a grandmother. On some blessed day in the future, with a beautiful baby in my arms I will remember that a bit of chocolate never hurt a child, that there is nothing, absolutely nothing, more important than being there for your grandchild, that dirty faces, leaky diapers and permanent platinum blond hair do not matter in the face of true grandparental love. I draw the line at one Happy Meal a day.

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  1. lichty says:

    Thank you so much – I have now made this my lesson. Though I, too, will draw the line at the Happy Meals, I do believe it is a grandparent’s job to do all the fun stuff with their grandkids and leave the “meanness” to their parents. Personally, I can’t wait! (That said, people look at me in horror when I let this secret out of the bag, given that my daughter is 20 years old and really shouldn’t be birthing any babies right now). I recall one pick-up at my parents’ home after my husband and I were away for the weekend. The kitchen table was covered many inches deep in shaving cream, and my kids were covered head to toe in the white sticky stuff as well. My parents said they were “practicing finger paint”, yet without the impending damage of actual paint, and what’s the harm, they were wearing smocks! It must have been a week of baths and showers before we got rid of that mentholated smell.

  2. grandmasbriefs says:

    Love this: “For while I was learning to be a mother, quietly without a word, he was teaching me to be a grandmother.” I had no one that served as a great example of grandparenting (or parenting, for that matter) so I find that statement so sweet and so what I want to be. And I want to be the one whose grandkids race to the door to see me when I arrive. So far I’ve succeeded with my toddler grandsons; time will tell if it continues into the teen years. I sure hope so.

    Lovely post. Thank you for sharing!

  3. I have never read this post before (can you believe it?) and it just blew me away. What a gift your FIL is in your life – and your sons!

  4. Emily says:

    Loved this…made me think of when my MIL (who raised 6 kids) gave my eldest frosted Cheerios (rather than plain). I can’t remember his age but I do know he had never had anything sugary before that. I remember fuming. Of course with kids #2 and 3, I was giving them sugary foods way before the time I did with their older brother.

    • We needed to take a page from grandparents who had been there, done that…but as I young mom I thought I knew so much. HA!

  5. Your father-in-law sounds like an awesome grandfather, and your kids are lucky to have him! P.S. You will make an awesome grandma one day!
    Lois Alter Mark recently posted..Making French Macarons at Sur La Table!My Profile

  6. Your father-in-law is an inspiration! He does grandparenting right.

    This is a beautiful tribute and a lesson all in one. I pray that I might be as present and loving as this man is in the lives of his grandchildren. It seems he truly understands what leaving a legacy really means. And through your words, he is teaching ME, a woman he doesn’t even know, how to be a grandparent.
    Chloe Jeffreys recently posted..100 Artists – a Ted Talk: Getting CreativeMy Profile

  7. This is so beautiful. It makes me miss my grandparents and appreciate my mother as the grandmother to my children, at the same time.
    Anne @GenFab recently posted..100 Artists – a Ted Talk: Getting CreativeMy Profile

  8. Your FIL sounds like a magnificent man, and a great role model. Your kids–and you–are quite right to adore and appreciate him. Happy Meals or no Happy Meals.
    Thanks for a wonderful post!
    Karen recently posted..Awesome Advice Central gets bent out of shapeMy Profile

  9. How beautifully said. And how fortunate you and your boys are to have such a strong and loving presence in their lives.

  10. Such a beautiful tribute to your FIL. I just love how your boys are still so excited to see him. What a wonderful man and grandfather he must be. This makes me think of my dad who passed away when I was a teen, as I imagine he would have grandfathered and grandloved in such a way.
    Carpool Goddess recently posted..College Moms Share Their Stories – Part 1: The Good, The Bad, And The LaundryMy Profile

  11. This is so true! Tonight my father in law ordered chocolate milkshakes for my kids, before dinner. I’m ok with some spoiling but this just made me the bad guy when I insisted that they ate dinner first.
    Cherise recently posted..Over The Moon Proud!My Profile


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