I’ve been through eighteen years of college drop off in my role as a psychiatrist at Boston
University Student Health Services.
New college parent insider tips
Don’t knock on your student’s door at 7 a.m. and ask for a campus tour. Don’t show up at any of their classes, and definitely don’t ask questions of professors you may meet. Don’t befriend their roommate’s parents, even though they seem like nice people. (That’s embarrassing.)
And whatever you do, don’t join the parent Facebook page. (That’s cringe.) When in doubt, remember the Golden Rule: Parents should be seen and not heard. Respect their turf.
Some parents misinterpret their new role in their student’s life as less important, and miss the way things used to be. This is a mistake. For young adults, parents are about more than reminders to get renter’s insurance or go to the dentist.
They’re also about more than no interest loans or free plane tickets, though those things are all great. For young adults, parents are the embodiment of their cultural heritage. They are the tether to a life of purpose and meaning.
What parents should do when they get a call from their teen who has a problem
They’re also the most likely phone call for students having trouble adjusting to college. How to advise your student if you get that call? Here are a few suggestions:
Roommates
Their roommate. Yes, they have one. Actually, they probably have several. Research shows that graduation rates are higher for students who live on campus, so colleges have been piling undergraduates into every coat closet and stairwell landing.
Suggest that your teen socialize with their roommate, who is honestly probably on the phone with their parents. (You wouldn’t believe the number of students I have met who have never had a real conversation with the person sharing their dorm room.)
Friends
Level their expectations appropriately. They need to stop comparing people they have just met to their old friends from home. The only way to make good friends is to start with acquaintances, work your way up through mediocre and only so-so friends, go through good times and bad together and voila!: lifelong friendship. In short, the only way to meet people is . . . to meet people. And the only way to get to know people is . . . to get to know them.
Free Time
Free time is highly overrated. That’s right, they need to be busy and overextended like the rest of us! Colleges are bursting with interpersonally rich experiences: Students just need to show up! There’s dorm social events, clubs and activities, intramural sports, dance, music, and various performances; pretty much anything from trivia to fashion to rocketry.
None of those things are right for your student? There’s research or volunteer work, not to mention getting a job. All of these are excellent ways to make friends and build community.
Get Off the Phone
Tell them to get off the phone. With you, I mean. If they’re on the phone with you, they’re not talking to someone new. Resist the urge to check in on them every day. This can make them miss home more, and can inadvertently send the message that you don’t think they can handle being on their own.
This fall I will experience my nineteenth college drop off season. I’m also going to experience my first– as a parent of a college freshman. Luckily I know all the rules about early morning door-knocks and not speaking to professors and … actually, those rules are going to be pretty hard to follow. But I’ll definitely draw the line at the parent Facebook page. That’s cringe.
More Great Reading:
Dr. Lisa Damour: How to Find a Therapist for Your College Student
