Most families find college admissions daunting. And I’m the first to admit that many students drop the ball at least once during the process, like forgetting to send their scores or missing an interview.
With such high stakes, many parents manage their anxiety by taking over. But this is usually a mistake. Practically speaking, overstepping can negatively impact outcomes. Developmentally speaking, it can deprive students of a critical learning opportunity.
If you have an applying teen here are some common errors to avoid
1. You refer to your child’s college list using first person plural
You might be surprised by how frequently parents refer to “our college list …” or tell me where “we are applying …” And I understand why! College is both a formative life moment and a huge expense; your family should be invested. But refrain from pushing an agenda.
A bad college fit may prevent your teen from thriving. I recall former students who applied early to their legacy school and transferred after one year, who overshot because they were applying to reach schools their parents insisted they consider, and who removed schools with the perfect product design or sound engineering program because their parents felt they weren’t prestigious enough.
Instead of authoring their list, discuss their choices, be open about finances, and help them feel good about every school they’re considering. In short, set aside what you want and find common ground with your teen.
2. You rewrite entire sentences in their essays
In the age of AI, it is more important than ever not to write your teen’s essay. For one, parents (and AI) tend to be more confident (“I am an amazing leader!”) than the average teenager, many of whom shy away from self-promotion.
Putting aside the countless ethical implications, writing on behalf of your child raises risks; vocabulary and grammatical inconsistencies with other essays can flag AI or adult overreach. I once spoke with an admissions officer who identified an obvious giveaway: a perfectly composed, proofread essay accompanied by an activities list riddled with errors.
If your teen asks you to review their writing, here is my guidance: make a copy, turn on “suggestions” mode, correct small wording or grammatical mistakes, and post anything else as a comment. Then set your internal editor aside and let them decide which comments resonate and which don’t.
3. You’re pushing for essay topics from childhood
Once most teens reach high school and especially once they can drive, parents have less everyday time with them (fewer weeknight dinners and car trips to away games!). When your teen is establishing their independence and replacing formerly parent time with friend time, you might know less about their day-to-day lives.
This can add to the inclination to recommend dated essay topics: They were the 8th-grade graduation speaker! They loved LEGOs! Big picture, refrain from pushing for the topic you want. Instead, help your teen identify formative experiences, significant interests or hobbies, and their strengths and values. Make sure these align with whom they are now. In fact, one of the personal statement “Dos” in my practice is “Be recent.” After all, colleges aren’t accepting your adorable 5 year old.
4. You log into your teen’s Common App account … and also their applicant portals and CollegeBoard/ACT accounts
One strict rule within my admissions practice is that we never (ever, ever!) log in on a student’s behalf. On a practical level, any mistake you make will be yours to own. But even more, filling out and submitting the application are pretty simple ways for your teen to establish ownership over their process.
That said, you can absolutely proofread your child’s applications. In fact, if they will let you, please do! Just let them be the one to make corrections.
5. You joined mailing lists on your teen’s behalf… using your email address
In the same vein, never contact an admissions office to advocate, step in, or ask a question on your child’s behalf. Again, I’ll lead with the practical argument: this is a red flag. Admissions officers want young adults who will thrive on campus. You don’t want your child’s application to be denied because their parent has been identified as likely to intervene to protest a grade or roommate assignment.
However, please do encourage your child to check their email! We give students a 48-hour check-and-reply rule. This helps them develop good email habits, another critical longitudinal skill. And, of course, you can absolutely call the financial aid office as needed.
And a bonus: You send emails from your child’s account, signed by you. This is both confusing for the recipient and indicative of parental overreach. Although I understand the temptation to just “do it yourself!” resist the urge.
The good news? Being guilty of one (or more!) of these behaviors is a sign that you care about your child’s future. And there is time to reverse course. Far from suggesting that you remove yourself from your child’s admissions process, I am recommending that you recast yourself from a central role to a supporting one—for the sake of both outcomes and your teen’s development.
In finding that right level of involvement, you’re partnering in facilitating their long-term success, which is after all the real goal.
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