Lisa writes: September’s turmoil is over. Bed Bath and Beyond has been depleted, dorm move-in has been successfully accomplished, and classes are in full swing. As parents, we can stop worrying about the transition to college and plan the visit. If you live close enough to your college age child and do not want to wait until Thanksgiving to see them, well, it’s time for a little journey. Some schools have an established Parents’ Weekend or you might just be heading to school on your own…either way, here are some things to think about.
Bring food, after all they are teens, need I say more. If you bake, you are a goddess. If you can’t bring provisions, the grocery store makes a nice family outing.
In my informal poll, okay my Facebook page, there was a strong feeling that “Parents’ Weekend” was not really the best parents’ weekend, that the crowds and the staged events were not the optimal atmosphere in which to visit offspring. Personal opinion will need to prevail.
If you are going to take your kid and, perhaps, their friends out, book early, really early. You will be unpleasantly surprised how fast reservations for hotels and restaurants in a college town will fill up for Parents’ Weekend. I reserved a hotel for parents’ weekend the night my son picked his college, a touch neurotic you say?
If your kids left their heavy things home, heavy coats, gloves, boots, hats and the winter comforter, it is time to bring them. They may have moved into their dorms during a 90+ degree heat wave but by the time they come home for Thanksgiving there may be snow. You are still the parent, do they have the right clothes? My kids both underestimated the “nice” clothes that they might need for fraternity rush or dances and dinners. Sometimes jeans and a tee-shirt just don’t cut it.
Ask about any expensive (in college student parlance) items they might need. My kids were out of things like razor blades. I call those necessities, they called them expensive.
Don’t clean their room or bathroom, not matter how much it is killing you. This is their turf, not yours and if ever there was a moment to turn a blind eye, it’s that bathroom.
If you have a hotel they may want to sleep there for a night. They are just getting used to the crowds, noise and chaos of their dorms and on visiting weekends there can be roommate’s siblings in their room as well. A roll away bed in your hotel might look pretty nice.
Alcohol. Buying alcohol for under 21s is, of course, illegal and even though your college kid may not have imbibed in high school, or at least very little, it would not be a surprise to find out they are drinking in college. They may ask you to buy a bottle of something before you head home. Be ready with your answer, Parents’ Weekend is not a moment to start making family policy decisions.
It may be difficult to sit around in their dorm room, particularly if they share it with others, so do a tiny bit of research about activities in the area. This may be no more than a lunch reservation or scoping out a park, but your student may not have left campus yet and after he gives you the 20 minute tour, what’s next?
Things have changed in the very short time since you child left home. He or she has had a major life experience, prepare yourself. There are may be subtle and perhaps slightly uncomfortable ways in which your relationship has shifted. Be open-minded, take a very deep breath and remind yourself that each stage of their lives has been a period of adjustment.
If there was one subject about which there is parental consensus it is that kids will not want to spend as much time with their parents as their parents might hope. Get ready to watch CNN or go to a movie. College kids have parties, sports, activities and academics to squeeze in during a visit. They will be nice about it, but at the first sign of a good party or an a capella practice, parents will be dumped and, when we really ask ourselves we know, this is entirely as it should be.
Have you gone on a Parents’ Weekend? What would you add to the list?
We are very luck in Canada as we have Thanksgiving this weekend and our kids come home. My youngest came home and I am enjoying his company and he seems to enjoy the french toast and other perks. Love all your suggestions though–smart thinking on so many levels.
on thehomefrontandbeyond recently posted..And The Winner is ~ Part 2
lucky
on thehomefrontandbeyond recently posted..And The Winner is ~ Part 2
SO kind…hope you had a lovely Thanksgiving.
Great post! When I went to visit my oldest during his Parent Weekend, his dorm room looked like something from animal house. I’m hoping Mini-Me’s room is neater, but it’s her problem now, not mine
So hard to turn a blind eye to the filth and mess, just kept repeating, “This is not my house, this is not my house, this is not my house.” Deep breath, move on.
Great post, Lisa! The suggestions of what to bring your kid are straight on. We are of the “not going to Parents’ Weekend” school of thought. It worked for the Freshman year, but after that, the time spent with student vs time spent without student ratio was better on other weekends. If your kid goes to school in a great city, with lots to do, that’s one thing, but if they are in the boonies, there won’t be much else for you to do, and sitting around your Motel 6 room for two days is pretty boring. The key is to communicate with your child to see what their preference would be.
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Thank you, and all my FB friends, who jumped in with real words of wisdom from Been There, Done That parents. Planning is really the key, like other things I learned this the hard way.
You’re spot on with all of this. The blind eye to their dorm? Especially the bathroom – reminded me of a visit to my son’s who had a roommate that was very dark and hairy and may I just say what the bathroom sink was mostly full of??? Well, never mind, no need to go there. I turned a blind eye and held back a gag reflex. Bringing baked something or other – definitely a yes. I even brought tall plastic container or their favorite homemade soup. I brought bags of coffee. We live near the Air Force Academy in Colorado and even the hotels book about a year out for parents weekend – so yes, spot on with that too. And the fact that they’ll likely want to spend more time with their friends than we may anticipate – true….and a good thing. Sleeping somewhere other than their place – absolutely. For everyone’s sake. Fun post!
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There is nothing like the wisdom of a mom who has been there, thanks for sharing yours.
For those of you who are the parents of freshmen, yes, parents weekend is a great opportunity to bring winter coats, take your son/daughter to the grocery or drug store and generally assure yourself that he/she is surviving without you. After freshman year, they don’t really want to observe the official parents weekend. Better to come another time and treat them to lunch or dinner. Just don’t expect them to spend the entire weekend with you. Make plans to enjoy other activities in the area on your own.
Having a child living in another city is really a great opportunity get get to know a new place. As there will be move ins, move outs and visits it’s a great chance to really explore, great point.
my son went to the New School for Social Research – no parents weekend there although there might be one now as the school has changed quite a bit. I don’t remember if there was one at my daughters school but i know i never went to one. I had my parents weekends but they were sans other parents. but i think your advice holds true for any visits that first year. your insight and advice are always spot on lisa.
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Yes but this mean that you had a child living in NYC which means ton to explore and never a bored moment (or a Mindy pointed out, sitting in your Motel 6 with nothing to do!). How great is that, seeing your kid and seeing the City, what a great combination.
Son’s school didn’t have a parents weekend. When we visited, the thing to do was to take him and his roommate out to inexpensive but good and filling restaurants as often as possible. Daughter is at our alma mater so when we attend “Fall Weekend” we get two ribbons on our nametags. What I like about the official weekend is the opportunities to meet faculty and also her friends’ parents. Daughter likes to shop and lets us come along as keepers of the credit card. We are early-to-bed people, so she knows we’ll go to the hotel before 9 and she’ll have time to see friends.
Our kids are two years apart and go to the same college. We went to the official Parents Weekend freshman year for each of them. Now we pick a weekend that’s convenient for all of us and take them shopping and out to eat and most importantly, spend time listening to them. Though we talk regularly, nothing replaces the in-person conversations for all of us. Sunday is always tough as we try to see them before we head to the airport. We bribe them with coffee and donuts from their favorite shop, knowing that after we leave, they’re probably going back to bed.
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You’re so right about booking a hotel far in advance. My two youngest daughters went to a private college in SMALL town and there was ONE hotel, that was always booked. You’re also right about the kiddo likely wanting to room with you for the night. My girls always enjoyed the break from being cool and adult and relished family night in a hotel room with Mom and Dad, where they could be silly and more themselves than they’d been in a while. I miss those days (sort of). Great post, Lisa
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