Blindsided by Childhood Milestones

Posted on 4/30/13 by Grown and Flown

Lisa writes: Parenthood is littered with Milestone Moments. Some we see coming, like registering for the draft, buying a bra, beginning high school or shaving. They are all expected, and all powerful. Yet other childhood milestones blindside us like a two by four with the rusty nails still sticking out.

SIbling Playdates. It was a huge childhood milestone the first time my kids actually played together, real interactive sibling-as-a-playdate played together. I looked on bursting with pride and thought they would become a perfect self-contained unit, full of rich imaginary play and support and understanding. And just when I was leaning back to admire my handiwork, feeling pretty good about myself, one son bit the other and was treated with a smack in the face for his efforts. My 30-seconds of fantasy was gone and life as I was really going to know it began.

Drivers license. This one is obvious, but what I didn’t realize was how much getting a driver’s license is akin to learning to walk. The first time my teens drove out of our driveway felt like the moment they stood up and walked away as toddlers. The only difference was that, behind the wheel, I worried far more and when they drove away, they didn’t turn around and come right back. These events may have been separated by 15 years but for me, they held the same power. They were when I realized that I wouldn’t need to carry them or drive them forever.

Cooking. It is a big milestone the first time a child makes himself a meal, when they put together a sandwich, boil some pasta and pour sauce on top or fry an egg. Up until that moment, my children’s very existence depended on my culinary skills, yet once I saw that fried egg, I knew they would not starve.

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Grown and Flown on Scary Mommy!

Posted on 4/29/13 by Grown and Flown

Among the top blogs we have fallen in love with is Scary Mommy, the brainchild of Jill Smokler. If we loved Scary Mommy before, we love her even more now that we are guest posted on her site. As we send Jill this digital thank you note, we hope we are also sending you over to check out our newest post, The Myth of Protection, right now on Scary Mommy.

Here are the reasons why we love Scary Mommy:

1. She finds humor – and lots of it – in the daily grind of motherhood.

2. She has written not one but two books – including the fantastic new release, Motherhood Comes Naturally (and other Vicious Lies.) Continue reading →

Ready to Go?

Posted on 4/25/13 by Grown and Flown

Lisa writes: After high school, many of our kids go on to college. Unlike in other countries, this transition is made seamlessly and without more than a summer break. We send our eighteen year olds off to their next stage, often without knowing if they are ready to go. Many have the option to stay home and attend a local university or community college but legions march off into dormitories every year for their first real taste of living alone.

When my older kids made this journey, I was, at first, unsure as to whether they were ready to go. I looked at them over their high school years and could not fathom their independent life. But then things began to change.

How did you know your kids were ready to go?

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The Day Women Took Over Harvard Business School

Posted on 4/10/13 by Grown and Flown

Dear Harvard Business School,

Celebrating 50 years of women MBA graduates is a major milestone and please accept my sincere thanks for inviting me to the big bash.

Here is what I loved about last week’s “W50 Summit:”

*I spent time with 800 women, 99% of whom I had never met before. We struck up conversations at every opportunity and discovered the varied paths each of us has taken since graduation. Women in their 20s, their 70s, married, single, gay, straight, SAHM, moms who have worked every day since they graduated – all in. There was no judgement, no mommy battles, just deep curiosity and respect.

* We listened to Drew Gilpin Faust, the first female President of Harvard University, welcome us and speak of how educating girls around the world is “fair, smart and transformative.” The standing ovation we gave her was the first of many.

* I met women from the first class (‘65) and imagined what it was like to be one of the eight who studied beside 676 men. Unlike the men who resided in dorms on campus, they lived across the Charles River. Barred from the campus dining room, they brought their lunches and used makeshift ladies rooms still equipped with urinals.

* We listened to Sheryl Sandberg (‘95, COO, Facebook) remind the SRO crowd, “to believe in ourselves, to keep raising our hands, to take a seat at the table.” And, if anyone describes a little girl as “bossy,” correct them, saying that she has “early leadership potential.” These were words every one of us could have used when we were still in your classrooms.

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The Mommy War Within

Posted on 4/4/13 by Grown and Flown

Lisa writes: Many young women are engaged in something characterized by the media as the mommy wars. In this “war,” women who have continued to work full-time while having children look down at their stay-at-home counterparts for backing away from the workforce. In return, those women who are caring for their children full-time, denigrate the parenting of women who have combined work outside the home with motherhood.
I don’t believe that women are at war with each other, but rather that any hint of a clash sells copy. If there is a conflict, it is inside each of us, not between us. The only mommy war I waged was with myself.

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Living Your Family History

Posted on 3/30/13 by Grown and Flown

Mary Dell writes: When I encounter a new, compelling parenting concept for the early childhood years, I often feel disappointed. My youngest is a teenager and I realize there are no opportunities for me to turn back the clock and try motherhood from the get go. But as I read bestselling author Bruce Feiler’s recent This Life column in The New York Times, The Stories that Bind Us, I wondered if his ideas about family history might be as applicable to those who parent a 7 year old as those whose “baby” is 17.
In his new book, The Secrets of Happy Families, Feiler poses a fundamental question: “What are the ingredients that make some families effective, resilient, happy?” The answer, he found, is in creating a “strong family narrative.”

In this article, Feiler draws on research by Dr. Marshall Duke and Dr. Robyn Fivush of Emory University who discovered that children who knew more about their families showed greater resiliency than those who knew little. Drs. Duke and Fivush believe that the “oscillating” family history, including both successes and setbacks, gives kids the strongest self-confidence.

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College Decision

Posted on 3/24/13 by Grown and Flown

Lisa writes: Over on the Motherlode blog at The New York Times, writers KJ Dell’Antonia and Hope Perlman discussed the importance, or lack of importance, in attending a prestigious college. The two thoughtful back-to-back pieces laid out the opposing viewpoints on chasing admission to an excellent college, a process that begins early in high school, versus chasing one’s passions and seeing where that might lead.
Perlman’s piece focused on the benefits that can accrue from attending a well-known college in terms of contacts, and later jobs, and despite hoping her daughter becomes a happy well-rounded adult, she would like her to have this opportunity.

Dell’Antonia’s rebuttal stated that ambition would lead to success and that it ultimately matters what you do with your education, not where you obtained it. She theorizes that she will not care where her kids attend college when the time comes.

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