Blindsided by Childhood Milestones

Posted on 4/30/13 by Grown and Flown

Lisa writes: Parenthood is littered with Milestone Moments. Some we see coming, like registering for the draft, buying a bra, beginning high school or shaving. They are all expected, and all powerful. Yet other childhood milestones blindside us like a two by four with the rusty nails still sticking out.

SIbling Playdates. It was a huge childhood milestone the first time my kids actually played together, real interactive sibling-as-a-playdate played together. I looked on bursting with pride and thought they would become a perfect self-contained unit, full of rich imaginary play and support and understanding. And just when I was leaning back to admire my handiwork, feeling pretty good about myself, one son bit the other and was treated with a smack in the face for his efforts. My 30-seconds of fantasy was gone and life as I was really going to know it began.

Drivers License. This one is obvious, but what I didn’t realize was how much getting a driver’s license is akin to learning to walk. The first time my teens drove out of our driveway felt like the moment they stood up and walked away as toddlers. The only difference was that, behind the wheel, I worried far more and when they drove away, they didn’t turn around and come right back. These events may have been separated by 15 years but for me, they held the same power. They were when I realized that I wouldn’t need to carry them or drive them forever.

Cooking. It is a big milestone the first time a child makes himself a meal, when they put together a sandwich, boil some pasta and pour sauce on top or fry an egg. Up until that moment, my children’s very existence depended on my culinary skills, yet once I saw that fried egg, I knew they would not starve.

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Grown and Flown on Scary Mommy!

Posted on 4/29/13 by Grown and Flown

Among the top blogs we have fallen in love with is Scary Mommy, the brainchild of Jill Smokler. If we loved Scary Mommy before, we love her even more now that we are guest posted on her site. As we send Jill this digital thank you note, we hope we are also sending you over to check out our newest post, The Myth of Protection, right now on Scary Mommy.

Here are the reasons why we love Scary Mommy:

1. She finds humor – and lots of it – in the daily grind of motherhood.

2. She has written not one but two books – including the fantastic new release, Motherhood Comes Naturally (and other Vicious Lies.) Continue reading →

Ready to Go?

Posted on 4/25/13 by Grown and Flown

Lisa writes: After high school, many of our kids go on to college. Unlike in other countries, this transition is made seamlessly and without more than a summer break. We send our eighteen year olds off to their next stage, often without knowing if they are ready to go. Many have the option to stay home and attend a local university or community college but legions march off into dormitories every year for their first real taste of living alone.

When my older kids made this journey, I was, at first, unsure as to whether they were ready to go. I looked at them over their high school years and could not fathom their independent life. But then things began to change.

How did you know your kids were ready to go?

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I Don’t Really Want to be Turning 30 Again, but…

Posted on 4/23/13 by Grown and Flown

Lisa writes: I don’t really want to be turning 30 again. I truly believe what I wrote about midlife being a time when we have more time, more confidence and more resources. And given this, it is not surprising that once we pass 46, we are happier.

I have largely come to grips with the underbelly of aging, the image in the mirror. But this weekend I was at The New York Times Social Media Summit listening to 20 and 30-somethings expounded on how Twitter and its brethren have forever changed traditional news gathering as we know it and, for a moment, I could not help wishing that, once again, I was turning 30 and here is why.

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Motherhood: It Doesn’t Get Easier

Posted on 4/12/13 by Grown and Flown

In the world of blogging about motherhood, there are few writers who make us laugh at our mom selves with more genuine skill than Jill Smokler, aka “Scary Mommy.” A mother of three (5, 7, 9) and mega-successful blogger, Jill’s first book was on the New York Times bestseller list. Her second book, Motherhood Comes Naturally (and Other Vicious Lies,) is equally entertaining and genuinely hilarious in detailing all the ways motherhood doesn’t get easier!

Mary Dell was lucky enough to meet Jill this week at Alice’s Tea Shop on Manhattan’s Upper East Side. Afterwards, Grown and Flown created a list of “Vicious Lies” for the teen years and a few reality checks on motherhood.

1. Kids need to be grown and independent by the time they leave for college, able to balance their checkbook and do their own laundry.

Reality Check: Some kids are independent at six, others find their independence for the first time at 2 am in the laundry room of their dorm when they do not have a single item of clean clothing left to wear.

2. Going back to work will be a snap once your kids are in school all day.

Reality Check: Years out of the workforce will mean you have to relaunch. Few jobs end at 2:30 pm right around the corner from the carpool line. Sick days, snow days, vacations and summer…don’t worry you just need a back-up plan for about 200 days a year.

3. It gets easier.

No, not for a minute. Sure, your little kids may not have slept, may have barfed in your hair and thrown tantrums in the grocery store, but teens still throw up, only now it is a much bigger worry and good luck picking them up and putting them in their rooms when you want to change their behavior.

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The Mommy War Within

Posted on 4/4/13 by Grown and Flown

Lisa writes: Many young women are engaged in something characterized by the media as the mommy wars. In this “war,” women who have continued to work full-time while having children look down at their stay-at-home counterparts for backing away from the workforce. In return, those women who are caring for their children full-time, denigrate the parenting of women who have combined work outside the home with motherhood.
I don’t believe that women are at war with each other, but rather that any hint of a clash sells copy. If there is a conflict, it is inside each of us, not between us. The only mommy war I waged was with myself.

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Living Your Family History

Posted on 3/30/13 by Grown and Flown

Mary Dell writes: When I encounter a new, compelling parenting concept for the early childhood years, I often feel disappointed. My youngest is a teenager and I realize there are no opportunities for me to turn back the clock and try motherhood from the get go. But as I read bestselling author Bruce Feiler’s recent This Life column in The New York Times, The Stories that Bind Us, I wondered if his ideas about family history might be as applicable to those who parent a 7 year old as those whose “baby” is 17.
In his new book, The Secrets of Happy Families, Feiler poses a fundamental question: “What are the ingredients that make some families effective, resilient, happy?” The answer, he found, is in creating a “strong family narrative.”

In this article, Feiler draws on research by Dr. Marshall Duke and Dr. Robyn Fivush of Emory University who discovered that children who knew more about their families showed greater resiliency than those who knew little. Drs. Duke and Fivush believe that the “oscillating” family history, including both successes and setbacks, gives kids the strongest self-confidence.

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