Lisa writes: Ahhhh…the beauty, the certainty of 20/20 hindsight. As my youngest nears the end of high school, I have reflected upon what qualities allow kids to perform at their best and enjoy their four years to the fullest. What were the most important things I could have done for my kids, starting in perhaps sixth grade, that would have impacted their chance of surviving high school and beyond? Not surprisingly, they were not the things uppermost on my mind as my kids turned 12. If I had it to do again…
I would make sure that my child, if possible, was above average at a sport, music, art or another activity. Not get-recruited-at-a-D1-school good, but get-picked-for-the-JV-team good. Part of high school is finding your place and that is much easier to do if you are selected for the field hockey team or given a role in the school play. I know educators often advocate the benefits of being well-rounded, but competence and accomplishment breed self-esteem and social well-being.
I would teach them that sleep is the elixir of the gods. It repairs sick bodies. It allows teens to perform better intellectually and athletically. It improves mood and helps maintain healthy weight. Teach your child to worship at the altar of an eight-hour nights sleep and you have set them up for life.
I would work long and hard helping my child develop the ability to concentrate on books or art or anything but video games. Humans seem to be born with an innate ability to concentrate on electronic devices but high school demands a level of concentration on the written word that can be challenging for a 14-year-old. I would make them read, even if it meant tying them to a chair in order to do so.
I would give special attention to helping them develop good eating habits. I don’t mean organic food-kale-quinoa good eating habits, but that the ability to resist soda and candy and cheesy fries because only their own will power and habits stand between them and a weight problem.
I would throw my child into the metaphoric deep end, more than once. Experiencing helplessness and frustration, the overwhelming feeling of wanting to give up, is something that is good for all of us, early and often. Many kids do not experience this until high school and by then it is almost too late. If you haven’t been tested and found out what you are made of, you haven’t lived.
I would focus on impulse control, be it with regard to temper or sex or driving. Impulse control is taught by example and middle schoolers who spend far more time with their parents are watching closely. It is no coincidence that the kid who regularly gets a red card on the soccer field has a nutjob parent shrieking obscenities on the sidelines.
I would give them the message that their body is theirs and it is beautiful and precious and they only get one. How they treat it will have everything to do with how it functions. Teenagers think they are invincible and in some ways they are. Their body’s ability to repair itself is the envy of every adult. But it will not always be thus and they need to learn respect for their physical selves.
I would focus heavily on organizational skills, and its twin, time management For some lucky kids this comes naturally and for others it is a huge uphill struggle. Engage in the struggle early while the stakes and complexity of tasks are lower. This is hard to remediate junior year in high school.
Most important of all, the window in which to reach our kids on lessons about character and values can be shorter than we think. By 15, most kids are adept at rolling their eyes at their parents, the universal sign that they prefer to listen to their peers or their teachers and coaches, anyone but their mom or dad.
The middle years of childhood are a time when moral decisions - be it cheating in school or how to treat others – are all established. It is when many of the values our families hold dear need to be cemented into their beings. If I could do only one thing, if parenthood had been a one-dimensional activity, I would have focused on character recognizing how fast that opportunity would slip away.
If you had a parenting do over, what would you teach your kids? Please comment below, you can do so anonymously.
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I have a newly minted 6th grader… and I’m optimistic! He’s a self identified Math Geek, followed closely by Band Geek. He likes to read, loves good food, knows to sleep when he needs it, and one thing I’d add to your list is that he has great friends. I trust him because I trust his friends– who he chose.
You sound like you and he are in great shape. It is so important to get these things in place before the social and academic challenges of high school begin. Friends are crucial, but I found, harder for a parent to have influence over. We do the grocery shopping, but we cannot pick their friends. Thanks for your great comment.
Such great points. I especially agree that above average in one area is important, both for self-esteem and commitment to a goal. As for the eating habits – that’s one thing I would most definitely love to go back and change.
Sharon Greenthal recently posted..The Safety of Home
The eating is so hard to manage as they begin to eat out more and with their friends gravitate to the worst possible items…really a challenge.
You have nailed what is important, what really matters. I tried hard at all of these, but I wasn’t persistent. I would give up and even now my son spends too much time on computer games(but he does well in school and in xcountry and track, has great friends, they are such good kids so I felt bad nagging him) Ugh..its so hard. Love your photo of the breakfast club..seems like yesterday! Your pieces are so intelligent..smart smart ladies, you two.
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I know what you mean, you can begin to loathe the sound of your own voice as you remind them of something again and again. It is a hard line to tread.
So kind, we loved reading you in the Huffington Post this week, just going to add the link here… http://www.huffingtonpost.com/amy-ruhlin/adult-children_b_1921591.html
Money management! I wish I’d done a better job teaching them that….
Ohhh excellent point, I fell down on this one as well. This is really important, thanks.
Good post! Weren’t most of these things covered in those Berenstain Bears books I read to all three of my kids a zillion times when they were little? Almost! I guess my point is that this kind of teaching actually begins much earlier–which is why we all go crazy talking about taking turns, sharing, having good manners, not being a sore loser, taking part in family chores,etc. to our young children. All that goes toward building character too. After all, we are raising human beings who will (we hope) have the skills to be good friends, good students, good co-workers, and caring spouses and parents themselves one day!
Thanks Risa, you are so right. Leave a link to your blog here…
OK! http://www.zerotosixtyinoneyear.com.
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All so true – I failed miserably at the sleeping part. I guess when they get to be our age they will appreciate that advice. One other value, which I tried to instill but don’t always see results, is putting family before friends. I certainly understand that attending a friend’s birthday dinner is exceedingly more exciting than dinner with the grandparents, but I wish my kids wouldn’t dread family outings the way they (sometimes) do. Perhaps another stage to grow out of?
I’m still trying to survive high school and I graduated almost 30 years ago! Good tips. I wish someone could have told me that all those years ago, but then again, I wouldn’t have listened anyway.
As a mom of three all grown up kids, I would absolutely agree with you on the issues of sleep and eating. Sleep, in particular, is something that so many kids undervalue!
And I would work a bit harder to make sure that my kids knew how to give themselves a break; mental health days more often, valuing their own instincts more readily. I would have found more ways to help them to be givers, to be altruistic because I believe that the sense of being a caring and giving member of the human community is what makes them (and us) happiest.
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This means all the more to us knowing that your years of experience as both a mom and a etcher are behind those thoughts! Altruism is a very important lesson that I know your kids have learned.
great advice
on thehomefrontandbeyond recently posted..~ October 1st ~
As a mom of 6 and 7 y.o. children, I really appreciate this post. I still have a chance to focus on these priorities with my children. But boy is it hard! I read this post after a battle with my six year old about getting his backpack ready for the next day and a discussion with my 7 y.o. about time management, which mostly consisted of her rolling her eyes at me. Please make your next blog about how to teach your kids these lessons!
Thank you so much for your comment we remember well that some of these frustrations start much earlier than 12. Will work on that lessons post…
This is SO true! So many kids aren’t able to handle High School! Seeign it happen with my own daughter now.
That is quite an exhaustive list! I like the addition of money management, as well. The organization and time management one really resonates with me. I am naturally an organized person. My teenage daughter? Not so much. She tries, but her brain doesn’t always work that way.
I also like the one about letting them fall sometimes. Sink or swim? Right? Sometimes I have to remind myself to back off and let them figure it out.
Wonderful post!
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Teens and organization…not an easy combination. I am not sure about the sink or swim when it comes to their organizational abilities. Sometimes I think there is an element of growing into that part of their brains. The challenges I suggest are academic or athletic or artistic…
I like the new look of the blog!
So glad. Mary Dell’s daughter took the photo, we loved it. So happy to have you here…
As a parent of a four and seven-year-old, I really valued this post. I feel like it should be printed and posted on my frig. I do believe the “attitude” (aka rolling of the eyes) is taking place much earlier than sixth grade (especially in girls), though. I also love the idea of a lessons post.
On a related note to the building character by failure, I would highly recommend a piece that ran on NBC’s Rock Center the other night, which focuses on that exact issue: http://video.msnbc.msn.com/rock-center/49202614#49202614
Clearly Kristal recently posted..A Letter Like No Other
Thank you so much and thanks for your suggestion. BTW loved your post. It was a wonderful awareness piece and I hope you get a huge audience.
Thank you so much. I do hope that my post, Letter Like No Other, which discussed breast cancer awareness and screening in my life made a difference – even if it helped just one person.
Clearly Kristal recently posted..The Grateful Trap
Lisa – I bet you did a pretty good job of it. As a mother of 3 and 6 year olds, thank you for sharing your lessons — we’re paying attention. On another note, where does guiding your kids to appropriate dress fit in? Thank goodness I have boys — recent photos from a family member’s sweet sixteen look like a Victoria’s Secret catalogue!
Jodie recently posted..Take Them Out To The Fair
Truth? I have three boys and clothing never comes up. My kids will wear almost anything I buy and pick whatever is clean. It is a great point that I totally overlooked…
Mentioned you today on the link below. Really enjoying reading your posts.
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As a mother of two boys that attended boarding school, my experience
was a bit different. My youngest son decided that the fit was not right
for him and is finishing Senior year at Fox Lane. I was so elated when
he decided to come home, because it is giving us one more year with
him, to watch him closely, to give him suggestions, regarding friends,
driving, homework, time-managemt, etc. We feel so blessed to have this time with him again, He is much happier being surrounded by his
parents and the comfort of his home, Boarding School is not for every
student, It can be very lonely having to navigate high school years having your parents at a distance. I was so impressed with the caliber
and warmth of his teachers at Fox Lane. He made the right decision
for him, he opted to be with the ones that have his best interest at heart.
Now, I see him as he walks in the door and if he has a bad day, I
can give him a big hug, and there is no substitute for that! His experience are his own, and what he learned from being away have
also contributed to who he is today. His journey was not linear, it
was a bumpy one, but it was his own and his way, and we are so proud
of him for realizing he needed to make a change……We are so fortunate
to have him home for one more year before he goes of to college, I am
so grateful to have this window of opportunity with him.
Sylvia
It is amazing how much we savor those sweet last years with them home. Sounds like he found exactly where he needed to be which is wonderful. You are so right there is no substitute for a mom’s hug at the end of a rough day. Thanks so much for reading and joining the discussion.
I have a junior in high school right now and, looking back as you have done, I don’t think there is a lot I would change. She’s known since middle school where she wants to go to college and what she wants to be when she grows up. She’s had the same group of friends since 6th grade, many as a result of band and that core group carried her into high school. So glad she had that, as you mention in your first point. I agree with another commenter on the money management, but we do work on that. She knows about budgets and EVIL credit cards and don’t spend more than you make and saving and giving and all that jazz.
Those middle years are a wild ride and she took us on one just as I did my own mother. I love who she has become: her self esteem, her pride, her determination, her genuine ability to love and give of herself when the time is right.
You daughter sounds wonderful and I imagine you have given her many of these lessons. The friends thing is huge and I am not sure that there is much we can do, one of the many reasons parents need to assert their influence early. Wow so impressed with a high school junior who knows what she wants to be and where she is going…I am sure she will get there. Thanks for your thoughts.
Teach that life is about more than you. Help develop empathy. Teach that words hurt but praise never does. Teach them that a throwaway comment can send a friend into a downward spiral. Teach them to help each other and those less fortunate. Teach them to find joy in the very simple things and life will always be good.
I have a feeling that you did all those things you are saying you wish you’d done but it is hard to remember those middle school years as it often seems as if your beloved child has been taken by aliens and returned to you a stranger. they are tumultuous years and they don’t lend themselves to accurate memories. i think if you can hold the ship steady so to speak, not lose your mind, be tolerant of some of the quirky things they do and say (that’s putting in kindly) and still be a hammer on the big things that matter, you’re doing a good job. and you can’t forget that it’s not just what you say to them or encourage them to do, it’s the temper of your household, the examples you set without even realizing you’re setting them. that is what keeps them tethered to the earth during the hormone overload years and brings them safely back when high school begins.
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Fabulous post. You hit all of the highlights. Ellen
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